Defrag Blues - Gary Collier’s Universe

Gary Collier's Defrag Blues

Sometimes my Mind seems like it has a Mind of it’s own.

This is Gary Collier’s place to defrag all of my thoughts, ideas, pictures, pain, happiness, writing, music …. all of the stuff that I call Gary Collier’s Universe back into its “Correct Location”.

Each morning I just write whatever comes out and this sort of straightens out my mind for the day.

Wednesday January 27, 2021

Mindset

It is becoming clearer each day that we all have the innate ability to control our own mindset. I’d compare it to a person in a sailing boat out on choppy water on a large body of water. One extreme would be just sitting in the boat and letting the external elements control every motion, going against the tide, letting the waves knock the boat around and sometimes almost tipping it over while at the other end of the scale would be a well practised, knowledgable person who knows about the idiosyncrasies of the water, the wind and how to guide the boat through the sometimes unfamiliar straits but being armed with maps and a willingness to understand them the sailor controls his own destiny.

As far as I am concerned the same can be said about navigating life with cancer.

The first area I will touch on is mindset. I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again … the first step is to be able to face what is there in front of you. Good or bad. If you can create some space between yourself and your mind and be an observer I believe that you have taken the first steps to being in control of your emotions, reactions and ability to be in control.

I don’t quite know how to say this without seeming glib, but here goes. There are times when you feel so deeply immersed in the apparent turmoil of your thoughts, when you feel battered by a sense of hopelessness, when you feel completely overwhelmed by problems. In the same way that pain is invisible to others so are your thoughts. The more you resist or push against either of these things the more power they seem to have over you.

Sometimes it takes courage to just step back and become an observer but on the other hand just remember that you can’t see anything when you are right up against it, immersed in the random motion.

With cancer the biggest enemy is a lack of knowledge and understanding of the disease. Without these two factors it becomes a dark, menacing enemy that you seem to have no control over and as such you are willing to accept collateral damage to yourself to give you a brief moments respite.

I remember reading Dune by Frank Herbert decades ago and being struck by this quote “Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.” It made quite an impression on me back then. I am not speculating that there is no place for fear, of course there is. Without any fear you will do some very really crazy shit. But when the fear takes control and dilutes your reason then it becomes your biggest enemy.

My most powerful weapon so far has been knowledge. When I was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago I have to now admit that I knew absolutely nothing about it except that it was a nasty illness that appeared to kill people sooner or later. It was something that other people were affected by. I even have to admit, now with a certain amount of remorse, that when both my Mum and Dad reached 90 and were diagnosed with cancer I didn’t try to understand it.

Needless to say I threw myself into research, waded through the literally millions of articles available on the Internet and YouTube. I won’t go into this in detail now but I will list out the people who I trust the most when it comes to cancer research and therapy.

Thomas Seyfried
Dominic D’Agnostino
Miram Kalamian

I discovered that there are many strategies available to me that while that won’t “Cure” the cancer they will make it far more manageable.

Nutritional Ketogenic Diet specifically designed for Cancer.
Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy
Press/Pulse Therapy
Metformin
Controlling Blood Glucose levels and getting insulin resistance under control
Exercise

Continued …

I first discovered Middle Park in the very early 1970s. It’s now almost 50 years down the track and I’m sitting in a comfortable a chair in a room full of old men having a 30 gram hit of Intravenous Vitamin C. Sitting in rooms full of old men is becoming a rather irritating habit. So today I’ve brought along my iPad, earphones and my iPhone for music. I could get a conversation going but I’m not going to.

I finished my Oxygen at 1 p.m at South Yarra but my morning started at Red Hill. I’m returning tonight. It’s going to be a full circle today.

I got an all day parking spot in Richardson St, just north of Nimmo and set off for a walk along the Middle Park foreshore and made my way down to Port Melbourne. It was the same walk that Georgie and I did in March 1996 on our first night. That’s another story.

Harking back to the early 1970s. I had met Joe Camilleri when he joined the Adderley Smith Blues Band. I had been in this band for a bit over a year when Joe joined. He was living in Irwill St StKilda at the time in a smallish flat just off Acland St with his then wife, Ange. It must have been 1970/71 and hadn’t had my drivers license for that long. The first time I visited his flat he pulled out John Coltrane’s Ascensions album and put it on the turntable. I didn’t know what had hit me. This was my introduction to Avantgarde jazz.

I became quite enamoured with the area. I was still living at home in East Bentleigh with my family but soon found myself dropping into Joe’s place more and more. Eventually I met a musician friend of Joe’s named David Flett who had a music journalist girlfriend named Margot. She worked for a magazine named The Daily Planet. They lived in a tiny apartment in Richardson St, Middle Park which was built into the roof of a charming red brick 1920s style apartment block down towards the Fitzroy end of the long, wide and tree’d street. Soon after I met them they offered me the apartment and I said yes, much to my poor Mum’s dismay. It must have been 1971 when I moved in. Joe and Angie had moved to Albert Park by now and David and Margot had moved to a big old terrace just down the road but still in Richardson St where I spent many nights in the following months. They lived with David’s sister Uschi and a very quiet introverted guitar player named Peter Starkie. I developed a crush on Uschi, who was a fabulous artist but it never went anywhere beyond a great friendship.

When I first moved in my Mum would drive across from East Bentleigh and leave me a meal after she made my bed and cleaned up my apartment. I wish I could give her a big hug and thank her but alas, it’s too late for that. The move to Middle Park happened soon after I had finished my first big relationship with a girl named Janis who lived in Clayton, her house backed onto the grounds of Monash University. We both worked at Myer in Chadstone. I was a window dresser/ visual merchandiser and she worked in the woman’s bra department. I fell head over heals in love with her and we had a lusty relationship, even driving home to my parents house at lunchtime so we could bonk before returning to work. The worst thing about the relationship was that it awoke the demon called jealousy in me. What a nasty quality this is. Possessiveness. The false assumption that you have some sort of ownership of another persons interactions with other people and a constant and chronic fear of losing something which in itself is a poison that eventually contaminates what could have been beautiful.

After a couple of years Janis did me a big favour and dumped me. What a wise move that was. She set me free. Something I really needed to happen. But interestingly enough another outcome of this relationship was that I became so busy being possessive that I killed my desire to be in bands and play music. By this time in my life I had built up enough momentum after having been in one band or another since I was about 14. I really fucked up big time and possibly changed the whole trajectory of my life.

I also became pretty close to Joe’s wife Angie who I remember having a very hip dark bob and very red lips, she grew up in Garden City. Things weren’t going well in their relationship and she ended up jumping out a window in a suicide attempt which didn’t succeed but which put her in hospital for many months with her legs in traction and a lot of pain.

It’s a long story but I stopped seeing Joe and Ange probably in early 1972. There’s a lot more to say about this period of my life but for now the only reason it’s come up is me being in Middle Park in 2021. 50 years later.

Fond memories which I should write more about.

This was around the time that I first started 3 years or so of heavy marijuana and LSD use which ended in 1975 when I got into Scientology.

Sunday January 24, 2021

I began work on the first draft of my Go Fund Me page yesterday. Who knows? Will it or won’t it work? I have a funny feeling that it’s going to be all about the words I choose and the way I present it. No-ones really going to feel sorry for an old 69 year old white male, so the sympathy button is going to do more harm than good. I have a feeling that optimism is the way to go.

So far I’m just writing what comes out of my 2 typing fingers and as time goes by I will streamline this and then edit it. I also plan on writing an article on all the actions, therapies and steps that I am taking to combat the cancer proliferation and hopefully stop it in it’s tracks.

Every day is a new day and every day I seem to have a slightly nuanced reaction to my situation.

Having said that the primary attitude is still one of optimism and positivity and will stay this way until proven otherwise.

Saturday January 23, 2021

It’s 11.30 and I’ve just finished my first and only session of oxygen for the day. So now I’m sitting across the road having the black coffee that I missed out on because I left my morning coffee in the front garden at home in the middle of a tizzy fit that I created this morning because I wasn’t organised.

I did arrive at OxyMed on time though and by the time I did arrive I was over it and back in the land of reason and calm.

After my session this morning I ran into Ivanka once again. She’s off to Sydney tonight and wont be back again until after January finishes. This could develop into a very nice friendship, anyway I hope it does.

I had my first Curcumin IV yesterday with Dr Eng. The overall cost of my cancer treatment is so high that it’s not even real enough to be affecting me. When it comes to life money is not an obstacle. There are always things that one can do to make more money but when it comes to life as I’ve said before “Humpty Dumpty Sat on the Wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.”

This Humpty Dumpty has decided to stay on the wall for a while longer.

Next action today is to bring the van down outside OxyMed and carry in some more big paintings. I’ve got to get the “exhibition” hung and labelled by next week in order to capitalise on the Australian Open crowd who will be coming in to have sessions during the tennis.

OxyMed have just invested in a new Lymph Machine. It is amazing. My legs are tingly with joy and happiness as I sit here writing. So much better than the old machine.

My plotting mind has come up with a new idea to potentially help with cash flow in regard to my outrageously expensive cancer therapies. What happened was that I started thinking of ways to generate money and I thought about Crowd Funding. Now I don’t want to be a charity and just ask people for money so I came up with the idea of putting a plan together where I do a Crowd Funding site but actually have an exchange of a piece of original art or a print. We have hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of art sitting in storage and this is a way that I can convert some of it into dollars which will help finance the current treatments. Now I’ve just got to work out a way to present it so it doesn’t look like I am begging for money.

So who are the demographic?

Firstly there is my Facebook and Instagram network and then there are the Tusk Gallery mailing lists. Tools I have are my websites including my personal website. I’m actually quite excited about this as a project because apart from anything else it’s for a bloody good cause.

I can also use it to promote my Blog and maybe plant some seeds for the potential book that I would like to attempt to write.

Friday January 22, 2021

More research. More changes in strategy.

MTOR and IGF1 have to be slowed down. What are they? Both of these are growth factors that will speed up proliferation of the cancer cells.

I need less calories, less protein, more fat and close on 20 grams of carbs. Big challenge.

I need to buy the Thomas Seyfried Cancer book and any other books that deal with the metabolic treatment of cancer and listen to any podcasts/lectures that I can get my hands on and study the finer details of the Ketogenic Diet specific for cancer treatment.

Is there anyone in Melbourne who could support me on this?

The target for GKI is “1”. This is going to be constant, not easy but necessary. I was getting close and then I started eating too much protein and maybe too many calories. Even this morning it is nowhere close to what it should be. BS is 6.7 and KT are 0.7.

This is very mild ketosis. Nowhere near good enough.

So that’s the game today and every day forward from here.

I’ll wing it until I work out the exact diet and how to get some green salad into me every day.

I’m about to head off for my oxygen and then across to Middle Park for my first infusion of IV Curcumin.

I’ve got to keep my head on straight.

I’ve got to beat this condition but at the same time I have to acknowledge that it is an enemy that has a great desire to win so I’ve got to have a clear head and be very well thought out in my overall strategy to beat it.

Know your enemy!

Maybe I should read The Art of War.

Shitty sleep last night. Why? I totally overdid the coffee yesterday. I normally have one black coffee at around 9.30 a.m, yesterday I had 3. Holy shit. No wonder I lay in bed until 3.30 a.m listening to podcasts. I normally just drop off, not last night. Bright as a button!

I won’t beat myself up though. Just observe. Note what’s happening without shame, blame and regret. It’s OK to fuck up every now and again, just not too much. What is done is done. The present and the immediate future care what matters now.

Thursday January 21, 2021

The Trump Presidency is over in the U.S for now. Who knows what might happen in the future but at this point the new President might hopefully have a honeymoon period to make a few adjustments.

I’ve just paid $4560 for the Curcumin, Vit C and Shogaol (Ginger) IVs. Holy shit, I’m going to be in the red before I can poke a stick at it! Time for some magical financial planning. I still owe another $6000 for my oxygen after paying $4000 last week. Plus there’s more to pay for the delivery of the IVs.

Cancer is an expensive business.

Like I said yesterday. It is a maintenance and repair journey as opposed to an enhancement one.

“Cleaning up and fixing the mess from the spilt honey”.

We are at Red Hill. Slept overnight and now we’ve started the process of getting it ready for the new quests who arrive at 2 p.m. It is a perfectly mild summer day so the plan is to make the most of it later and get on our scooters and take off for a while as well as go for a walk. I will cook some salmon for lunch, make a salad and we can eat that picnic style somewhere and pretend we are on holiday.

I bought Finn a Waghu steak yesterday. The animal must have been the King of the Cows because it was $190 were Kilo. The small steak I bought cost almost $30 so I’m hoping to hear a positive report from Finn about how good it was to a) cook it and b) eat and taste it. After trying steak a couple of times I have come to the firm conclusion that it’s not for me. A small amount of pork and lamb is OK from time to time but overall veggies are my favourite. Time has come to create a menu that encompasses keto but fits more into my preferred eating habits.

Thoughts for Today

I seem to have bitten off more than I can chew. Trying to fit in too many activities. Cancer maintenance is a busy, full time business. Diet, Oxygen

A wee bit of the shiny side of life has become tarnished due to the chaos that has peeked it’s head around the corner.

It’s not all grey because I still feel glimpses of exhilaration and I still love life and all that encompasses it.

It is also quite surprising that I no longer experience the same level of anxiety in regard to my reaction to death. It’s coming for all of us sooner or later and as such is an inevitable part of life that quite possibly serves a role that is way beyond my current understanding.

I think more than anything else that I am not letting myself sink into the quicksand like I have done in the past. It’s not that I don’t confront it, it is simply that I now look at it as an integral part of my existence.

I am feeling quite optimistic that I won’t sink into a quagmire of illness brought on by cancer’s insidious proliferation.

Even though I’m going to be spending what is a fortune for me on the non toxic treatments that will hopefully stop the proliferation of the cancerous cells in their tracks I don’t care because the end result that I am looking for is a body that is totally free of cancer cells and more importantly cancer stem cells.

I will have to have some sort of radiation treatment, hopefully a bit milder than most and also hopefully my efforts will result in my healthy cells not being as badly affected by the treatment but I will do everything in my power to not have to subject myself to chemotherapy.

This whole journey is daunting in it’s magnitude. It is akin to discovering a new continent and having to map it, understand it’s geography and it’s resources. It’s weaknesses and it’s strengths. What needs to be done to make it habitable for people to enjoy the fruits that it can potentially bear and to protect them from the inherent dangers that lurk in the dark spaces that exist in it’s mountain ranges and dark forests.

That’s all a bit bloody poetic isn’t it?

Really, another way of saying it is that I just need to learn enough relevant information to understand the treatments and why I am doing them. To have the self discipline to eat the correct diet and adhere to a schedule that will allow me to win my fight against the mutant cells that want to survive as much as I do and to ultimately wipe the little fuckers out so they no longer exist in my body.

Well, that was therapeutic! I sometimes need to put everything back into some sort of perspective and writing this today has just about achieved that for now.

Wrap Up

We had lunch at Montalto, spent all the money we made from cleaning Red Hill but shit, it was worth it. Just to reward ourselves. Georgie had a great time and we were both inspired by the garden and setting. Got home a bit after 5 pm and planned on going for a walk but Allissa rang and then Flora contacted us and said that she was dropping in.

Looks like I’ll be jumping on the cross trainer a bit later on, then into the sauna and the pool. Well that didn’t happen, did it? Flora came and didn’t leave until 9 p.m

Wednesday January 20, 2021

I’m still on the run.

The big issue in my life right now is my schedule and the number of actions that I need to take each day to maintain the level of care that I need to be giving my body. This is when I need to get into serious chaos control.

Had a big realisation this morning in regard to my feeling of frustration and slight anxiousness.

The big difference between trying to handle cancer and just generally getting healthier is the context.

When you simply want to eat healthy food, exercise, do oxygen and all the other things that I am doing the end result is being better than you already were when you started. But when you have cancer it is a bit akin to dropping a pot of honey on the kitchen floor. Yes, you do have to clean it up and in the process the floor and maybe the overall kitchen might end up cleaner and more organize than before you spilt the honey but there’s also a good chance that after all the hard work you may simply end up with a clean floor bereft of sticky honey, there may be even a few unseen shards of glass remaining.

That makes sense to me now because that’s a bit how I have been feeling.

I AM NO LONGER IN IMPROVEMENT MODE BUT I HAVE GONE INTO MAINTENANCE MODE.

Now that I’ve spotted this it my reaction may not be so “out of my control“.

I met a lady at OxyMed today who has brought her son in for 60 hours of hyperbaric oxygen therapy to help with a physical condition that he has. She is delightful and very interested. By this I mean that it’s not a one way street with her. She expresses as much interest in me and what I have to say as I do in her and what she has to say. The scales are balanced, which is a real nice change from interactions with most people where I have to keep creating huge interest in them and their life to keep the ball rolling. there are still people roaming around the planet who approach life in this balanced manner. I never have a problem giving a a compliment to another person if I feel that it is deserved. Well, this one actually gives compliments to me. I don’t really need them, but shit, at the same time, they are gratifying and it feels really good receiving them.

We are back on Eastlink on our way to Red Hill once again. Kaye, Peter, Fi and Thomas have been there for a week and we are going down to get the house ready for the new guests who arrive tomorrow plus I’ll get a day off from my cancer care.

Tuesday January 19, 2021

Yesterday is over. For some reason it was a day full of effort and struggle topped with a bit of pain.

I can’t write a lot now but here are a few things we did.

Took painting to OxyMed
Re-organized blood for CTC
Went to Dr Eng

I also got the headings done for “my book”.

After seeing Eng things got both easier and harder. Harder financially because I realized that staying alive is going to be an expensive exercise and easy because he’s so laid back and confidently optimistic about handling cancer.

Looks like I will be starting my IV treatments pretty soon.

I’ll try to write some more tonight after my Big Day Out.

I got my blood done again for the CTC and some other tests this morning. I’ve got to return tomorrow to get another 2 done due to my blood flow clamming up on me this morning.

I’ve had that old underlying nervous feeling deep down in my guts today. There is no apparent reason that I should feel this way but I do. And to top it off the bloody internet is down! It’s been on the blink all day long.

I’m about to hop in the sauna to try to sweat out some of the toxic crap that is flowing through my veins and in my cells after last Friday’s operation. The general tone is apathy. It is bloody horrible. A lethargic feeling that just won’t seem to go away. It is leaden, dull metallic grey, heavy and has a complete hold on my body and brain.

Dr Peter Eng Cancer Treatment

On Monday we had a 30 minute consultation with Dr Peter Eng. The main purpose for the visit was to strengthen the relationship so that when we have our meeting at Monash on Friday I can refer the suggestions directly to Peter and he can act as an interface between me and the Monash Head and Neck Team.

The 4 treatments that he will go ahead with are

Intravenous Curcumin
Intravenous C
Intravenous 6-Shogaol
Protein Injection

We’ve worked out the intravenous schedule going forward until mid February. Unfortunately it is very, very expensive but necessary.

Monday January 18, 2021

Georgie and I filled the van yesterday with original paintings and prints destined for the walls at OxyMed. The plan is to sell them to well off clients and have the money go toward my treatments. As they say, any idea is better than none.

Got up on time but then I spent too long in the bath. I needed more magnesium. I’m still not freaking out and if all goes as is planned we will get to OxyMed on time. There’s no point getting in a bind and panicking. I’ll just have to miss out on my morning writing session.

Sunday January 17, 2021

I’ve been home for almost 24 hours now but it seems like just a few hours.

The most striking thing is that while I was still in the hospital I felt pretty good and like last month I thought that I would get home and get on with life as if everything was normal.

As soon as I got in the car I realized that it wasn’t going to be like this. How could it be after a general anaesthetic, paralytic drugs and painkillers pumped into me during the operation!

When I got home I made some food for myself. Hunger was what I was most aware of. Georgie stated talking about toasted cheese sandwiches in the car so my thoughts drifted from the salmon that was waiting for me in the refrigerator to going to Aldi to buy a loaf of low carb bread (5 carbs per 2 slices). When O got there I was guided by my hunger and bought haloumi, coconut yoghurt, blueberries, bocconcini and a few veggies.

So I got my toasted cheese sandwich, which BTW was delicious. I had it with a salad.

Then I filled the bath with hot water and epsom salts and stayed in it until 5 p.m and got out with shrivelled skin but I had also absorbed a huge amount of magnesium which I really needed.

Still groggy, I decided to play the guitar so I went down to my music room and started playing, not so well mind you. Then I stood up clumsily and knocked my new Spark amp of the desk and it crashed to the floor. Looks like it’s not working anymore!

The most and only positions tive thing about this was my reaction. I didn’t go into my normal anxiousness and self loathing that I generally do in moments like this. I was actually quite calm and accepting. That in itself was enough to counteract the loss of the amp.

My throat is more painful than I was expecting but hasn’t yet quite reached the level of pain that I experienced after the first operation. I’m hoping that it will remain that way but based on the last recuperation the pain got worse every day for a week and then subsided for a week so I’m yet to see. The doctors did tell me that it may be worse this time.

Later in the evening I watched a new French series win Netflix called “Lupin” with Georgie. Well we watched 2 episodes.

Finn went across to Yarraville to spend the night with Josh and Luca.

Slept OK. Lucid dreams. Woke a couple of times for brief moments but overall I had a relatively good night sleep.

And here I am again this morning typing on my Mac with the same 2 fingers that I always do. For the amount of writing that I do you would think that I’d invest the time in learning how to touch type but I think that I need the “slowness” of 2 finger typing to think my words and thoughts through.

One thing I did watch yesterday was a Rick Beato podcast on the albums that came out in 1991. Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Soundgarden, Guns and Roses etc. What an amazing g period this was for Rock music. Shit, when you turn the radio on now all you hear is bland auto tuned bullshit. Things were still raw and exciting back then. It seems like yesterday.

My next challenge is coming up next week. Integrative medicine versus mainstream medicine. I really don’t think the pathology will find the primary. But on a more positive note the CTC (circulating tumour cells) test results will be back in around 2 weeks. I’ll also be seeing Dr Eng before I see the mainstream oncologists next Thursday.

My dilemma now is how to diplomatically tell the Monash oncologists that I want to wait for the CTC results and some IVC treatments before I start the radiation that they a certain to recommend.

This is a bit like “once the jug is broken it’s not going to be easy to put it back together although I will still be able to pour water out of what will then be an imperfect jug”. This is the scenario that I don’t want. The cure being almost as bad as the disease.

I’m sure I can work this out.

My next big plan is to write something that outlines all of the different actions I am taking since finding out that I have cancer. I’ve made an initial list and it’s huge. I’m hoping that I can put something together that will be instructive, easy to read and useful for men in my age range who get diagnosed with cancer and even how not to get it in the first place.

So for the next couple of days I’ll need to relax. Tomorrow I’m back to the hyperbaric oxygen tank and hopefully I’ll get onto the IV.

Addendum

I just found something I wrote in 2012 12 weeks after Paul passed away

This may be one of my epiphany moments.

Mel has gone to Europe and I have just become very aware that distance weakens the potency of communication.

Distance dilutes communication.

It is hard to put words to it but distance can translate into time.

Twelve weeks ago Paul morphed into his new “existence”.

Looking back at that Friday in March I now feel like I boarded a ship which when it left the dock began a journey for me. If I got off that ship I was sure to drown.

I just had to stay aboard.

The initial journey was intense.

I was thoroughly aware of every moment, every wave, every rock and movement of the boat.

As the journey continued I began to get used to the new landscapes, the new moments of inclement weather.

At times, I must admit, I went onto the deck during storms just to remember what this journey was really about.

A bit like forcing myself to face the fear of drowning in an ocean of uncertainty.

When Paul began his new journey mack in mid March I felt so close, so in touch. It was a bit like playing music with somebody who resonates with you and your perceptions, loves, desires … your groove, someone on the same wavelength. Someone to share your moments of fear and hopelessness with, someone to soar above this moment of existence with, someone to share the good, the bad and the ugly with.

But as time goes by and distance enters the equation the intensity decreases.

Another addendum

On November 2 1962 Georgie turned 50

I found something I wrote back then.

Georgie was born on November 2, 1962 on the day that the Australian Ballet gave their first ever performance and more importantly for mankind the day that the Soviet Union and the United States reached a final agreement on the Soviets removal of Nuclear weapons from Cuba.

In the days that followed the U.S conducted it’s final above ground Nuclear test, the UN General Assembly passed a resolution condemning South African Apartheid policies and earlier in the same year The Beatles had their first hit record and The Rolling Stones played their first gig and Bob Dylan played Carnegie Hall.

Saturday January 16, 2021

Still in hospital at 9.23 am. Overnight was not quite as relaxing as it could have been due to Thomas, the nurse. I called him “Tank Engine”, not out of any animosity but it’s just what I do to remember people’s names.

Thomas’s unfortunate job was to wake me every 4 hours to do my biometrics, you know, blood pressure, pulse, stuff like that. So I would drop off into a pleasant state and be in the middle of a lovely dream and then feel a light touch on my left arm and a gentle ”Gary” and robotically present my arm. At the 4 am session he noticed blood and went into a slight panic but it was simply that my canalu had come out of my left hand and blood had dribbled onto the floor and sheets. After the wet cloths and then the dry ones I was wide awake.

I did get through the night quite well overall and got into the shower at around 8.30 am, hot then cold. Got dressed and returned to the “Men’s Club” morning council pow wow.

I’ve been alternating with chatting and writing most of the morning. At one point I got all excited about going to the cafe and buying a lovely black coffee only to be thwarted by the hard cold info that the coffee shop was closed on Saturdays, so I had to settle for a bland tea bag in hot water.

I have to admit that my throat is hurting a bit more this morning than it was yesterday so I succumbed to my second lot of Panadol about 30 minutes ago.

I am now waiting for the registrar to come through the door to give me my release papers. Hopefully sooner than later.

Friday January 15, 2021

I awoke yesterday morning to the apparent that the calm ocean that I was floating on had turned into something akin of the churning waters of the Atlantic Ocean. The prior night I had decided not to have my operation today but after watching some lectures on the volatility and unpredictability of cancer late on Wednesday night I had come to the conclusion that it might be unwise to follow this path and announced to Georgie and Allissa that I was going ahead.

It took me until 11 a.m to return to the calm waters but what happened in the interim was enough to remind me of what I allowed to happen almost every day over a long, long period. No wonder I had been drinking! And to think, I had been doing it to myself. It really was something that I could have controlled and if I had of used more self discipline then the quality of my life would have been so much better.

That’s now a lost opportunity but whatever future is there for me can be enriched by my new skills.

I woke up on time after 2 “wake ups” during the night. One at 12.40 and the other at 4.30. Neither lasted long but when I did wake I felt wide awake albeit only for a few minutes each time. I did dream. There were bags of money, share houses, strange encounters with Allissa but not much else stands out. Eventually, like a good soldier, I jumped out of bed at 6 a.m when the iphone alarm went off much to Georgie’s dismay. No coffee this morning, just water. Operation fasting.

I’ve prepared some Barramundi to take to the hospital plus I have 500 mls of coconut yoghurt. I had also planned on a salad but all the green leafy veggies are either too old or not there where I thought they were. This is my next project. Vegetables! I am successfully in nutritional ketosis but at the expense of these wonderful nutritional additives.

Joey Llatse came across late yesterday afternoon and we went to visit Flora and John.It was a big drive for him considering that he lives in the heart of Barcelona and his car spends most of it’s life in a garage. Overall it was a very successful visit. He hadn’t seen Flora and John for 34 years.

Oxygen is going well. I feel good overall and anticipate feeling better and better as time goes on. I am noticing the lack of muscle in my body so that’s something I’m going to have to experience a bit of pain to overcome.

Trivia. I’m still getting complements for my clothing. This new policy of dressing well each and every day is pretty damn good. It makes me feel a bit better about myself.

One other thing I’ve got to get into again very, very soon is enemas or even colonics. This keto diet plus the metformin is playing havoc with my bowels and I feel in a constant state of not feeling quite empty.

So in a couple of hours I will be under, out of it, lacking in consciousness, under anaesthetic and completely unaware about what a nameless surgeon of unknown skills will be doing to my throat or about the cameras showing the inside of my body. Oh well, as my Mum used to say “What you don’t know can’t hurt you!”. Sorry Mum, not very wise words.

So as the kookaburras sing their serenade out in my backyard it is time to pack up my computer and get Georgie out of bed to once again make the trek south east to the old homeland of East Bentleigh.

After the Operation

We arrived at the hospital at about 8.20 a.m, 20 minutes late but no-one was pissed off or phased. As usual I wasn’t really. really nervous but I was enough to nervous enough to gently “wring” my hands, Georgie noticed so I can’t deny it.

The staff were fantastic as usual and answered any questions that I could conjure up, to the best of their ability.

Georgie stayed will me until they wheeled me away which wasn’t so bad because I ended up being second in the morning’s operation queue. I whipped of my clothes and slipped into my little hospital outfit and watched Georgie leafing through her Instagram posts while I lay on the gurney like a Roman senator about to indulge in a feast. Then it was time to say goodbye.

I think I made the obligatory parade through the hospital on the gurney toward the operating rooms at about 10 a.m and arrived in the actual operating room close to 10.30 a.m after being put in holding mode for about 20 minutes. By now I felt like one of the gang and quite comfortable but still anticipating the moment between wakefulness and unconsciousness after the anaesthetic gets pumped in. That transition happens so fast that you don’t quite notice it and then you’re out until you wake in recovery after the operation.

For some reason I just never seem to be able to remember the names of the procedures so I’ll use layman terms. Cameras down the throat to do further visual investigations and scraping more mucous tissue from the deep back of the left side of my tongue, hopefully to scrape off enough material to find “the primary”.

I spoke to Megan who was there during the operation later in the afternoon and it looks like they didn’t find anything abnormal during the operation so it’s now up to pathology to find whatever they can. I’ll be seeing the Head and Neck team at Monash next Thursday afternoon to get their diagnosis and recommendations.

My next big hurdle will be to peacefully and diplomatically co-ordinate the findings from the RGCC CTC test and any postulated outcomes from my natural therapies with the mainstream oncologists who, based on their training and experience, believe that the only viable options are radiotherapy, chemotherapy and surgery.

So back to now.

I’m in a ward that could be named “Oldmansville” 4 grey haired or bald old blokes in their 60-70s all with some sort of cancer.

When I returned from Recovery I really didn’t feel much like talking. I was still purring on my own version of Cloud 9. After about an hour I decided to make an effort and engaged in a relatively decent conversation with 62 year old Greg in the bed to my left. He has a pretty intense lung cancer and is also pursuing some sort of natural, alternative therapy. I overheard a conversation that he was having with a doctor and when he brought this up he was politely and instantly slapped down when he inferred that the natural treatment may have contributed to the slight diminishment in his tumour. The doctor was adamant that the recent dose of chemo was 100% responsible. No proof, no evidence, no interest in what Peter might be doing as an adjunct just simply “I know what I’m talking about!”. Now this might be true but at the same time based on the lack of scientific explanation it could be also just raw pride on the doctor’s behalf.

I’m afraid that that’s what I’m going to be up against.

So overall today hasn’t been a complete tragedy. I’m even sort of enjoying myself.

It’s 5.20 p.m now and Georgie is on her way to see me for a while. That happened and now it’s 7.45 p.m and Georgie has just left the building, just like Elvis. I had the foresight to buy a really nice piece of Barrumundi yesterday from Cannings in South Yarra. I baked it last night and ate it for dinner tonight with a simple Greek Salad that Georgie brought in for me. I had a bit of Coconut Yoghurt earlier and some MCT oil so this should get me through the night in one piece. I always take my own meals om airplanes and hospitals, works for me. The only and possibly the biggest deprivation all day has been missing my black coffee this morning because I had to fast before the operation.

I got a bit more chit chat going in the ward earlier. I keep making jokes about cancer, nothing too insensitive, because I want to do what I can to destigmatize the word. This word has so many meaning, so many outcomes, so many remedies that it needs to be reconstructed and re-defined and disemboweled.

It’s hard work getting a flowing conversation going and I’ve done my duty now so it’s time for computers, iPads, youtube podcasts, good music through earphones.

More tomorrow morning when I am armed with a dark, steaming, aromatic black coffee.

Thursday January 14, 2021

No writing today.

Wednesday January 13, 2021

I have woken at about 2.40 am for the past 3 nights due to cramps in my legs and feet that integrate into my dreams but which are also very real and painful. I’ve got a feeling that the extreme keto diet that I am on is contributing to this nasty phenomena. Unfortunately nearly all commercial electrolytes available in Australia are full of carbohydrates so I’m going to have to buy the Rob Wolf one’s from Amazon. Last time they arrived with broken packaging and they are also bloody expensive.

I’ve got an appointment at Dandenong Hospital this morning to see James Leong, the plastic surgeon who Mel and Trinidad put me onto who got the Monash Hospital ball rolling back in November.

We came down to Red Hill yesterday as did Kaye for the first time in over a year. We went to a restaurant in Dromana for dinner. The only thing I could eat on the menu was Saganaki and steak. It was my 3rd steak in 50 years and once again I had difficulty eating it to the extent that 2/3 of it ended up being wrapped and brought home. Overall it was a good night and Kaye loved going out for dinner which was the primary purpose for coming down.

I published 2 blogposts yesterday based on notes in Defrag Blues. This is my record. I’m really enjoying writing and my morning ritual is like giving my mind a shower. The process allows me to get a whole lot of thoughts out of my head and onto a “viewing platform” that invariably helps me unravel the stuff going on inside my head and clarify thoughts, feelings, reactions and emotions. I would recommend this morning ritual for anyone who has the time and inclination.

The other therapeutic aspect is that I am grasping for words. The more I write the more I am having to choose my words more carefully and consequently I am feeling more and more articulate.

I am still full of enthusiasm for the adventure that Georgie and I had on Monday night in the city. The sense of discovery and the unknown was fabulous and once again it strengthened my need for change and diversity in my daily life.

I also realized this morning that my birthday is coming up in 3 weeks. Georgie has suggested a party nat home which will mean choosing the guests, getting the house ready and working out the food and entertainment. Normally the idea of a birthday party is relatively unattractive but for some reason the current situation in my life seems to warrant some sort of celebration.

My emotions have still been a bit muddy overall yet without trying the waitress at the restaurant last night said “You are the person who is smiling every time I look at you.” Even when life looks a bit dark I can still see the beauty in it and I generally have a heap of goodwill towards people I interact with. The other bit of trivia is that I have averaged a compliment/comment almost every day directed at my clothes. I’ve worked out a new formula that pretty much allows me to dress differently and well every day. This is part of my overall strategy to bolster my spirits and make life a bit more fun and yes, it’s working.

I organised an appointment with a naturopath yesterday who seems to specialise in cancer. I’m not totally certain about her but I’m willing to give anything a go right now. I’m seeing her on January 22. I sent of my blood for the CTC test yesterday, hopefully it is on the way to Greece to get checked for Circulating Tumour Cells and a clearer analysis of my cancer.

We need to get in the car within the next 15 minutes so I’ll need to wrap this morning’s session pretty soon.

Afternoon

We’ve just got back from lunch at Montalto. Delicious, simple food. I had roast cauliflower with tahini, lemon juice, sunflower seeds and crispy capers and some lightly browned halloumi. I also purchased a bottle of “special edition” olive oil to supplement my MCT oil, not cheap but delicious. I had 2 big gulps before I got out of the shop.

We are about to head off home in a few minutes. then a walk in the Dandenongs.

Tuesday January 12, 2021

What a surprise Georgie and I got last night on an adventure that we undertook.

We met each other at Federation Square around 5.30 pm. Georgie had driven in to the city with Finn, who was doing a small course until 9 pm.

The plan was to hop on our electric scooters and just go wherever our whims took us.

The first leg was along the north bank of the Yarra down to the old Morell Bridge near Gate A of the Botanical Gardens. The bridge was built in 1899 and exactly 100 years later was closed to cars so now it’s a walking and cycling bridge across The Yarra.

We then entered the Botanical Gardens (through Gate A) and scooted ups dndown random pathways taking in as much as we could before exiting at Domain Rd, near the house where my friend Mike Hurst lived when he worked at the Gardens in the late 80s or maybe the early 90s.

This was the old Melbourne that I am so familiar with.

We had a light meal at the old Domain Hotel which is now called The Bilson.

Now the interesting part began.

We roared down the Tan past The Arbitorium and through King’s Domain, past Government House and back down to the river and then changed directions back toward the city. Under Princes Bridge and into Southbank. Now we were into a relatively newer part of Melbourne created in the1980s and 90s.

My experience with this new part of Melbourne ends at The Melbourne Exhibition Centre, sometimes known as Jeff’s Shed. Georgie and I have done exhibitions here and have also visited as observers. For me, greater Melbourne sort of stopped here. The old clipper ship The Cutty Sark is outside the Exhibition Centre and really that’s about what I was aware of.

Until this moment beyond that had been unknown territory. The area is called South Wharf and it was like entering a new city.

We became somewhat akin to tourists scooting along sweeping walkways with huge residential skyscrapers looming overhead and impressive pleasure craft moored in the murky waters of the Yarra River. Restaurants, bridges, parks, businesses crammed into the bottom floors of the high-rises, people wandering aimlessly with cameras out, backpackers, locals.

This is the Melbourne that an international tourist would see. Not someone who was brought up in the anglicized version of Melbourne that I had been so familiar with throughout my life.

How many of us Melbourne boomers have no idea what’s happening along the once destitute backdrop of the Yarra River that was once no-man’s land. A place to dump a dead dog or even the body of a wayward “crim” in the dark waters where years later the Bolte Bridge would rise as a counterpoint to The Westgate Bridge and it’s pre-curser, the asphalt topped car ferry that crossed the Yarra at the end of Williamstown Rd, pulled across by an invisible chained submerged in the river water.

Looking back at Melbourne’s tall buildings from under the Bolte Bridge was like looking at an alien landscape. More like something from a Netflix series than real life.

As we rode back towards the bottom end of Flinders St, past the old Seaman’s Mission and past Banana Alley where I played with my band,The Woz in 1968 in some long forgotten band venue situated in a bluestone vault, we once again entered the Melbourne that I have known all of my life. Familiar landmarks like Flinders St Railway Station and the Immigration Museum once again gave me the comfort of familiarity.

Melbourne is a bit like the English language. Ever changing, always evolving. Sometimes predictably and at other times like a some new word that came out of no-where.

I’m so glad I live in this wonderful ever-changing city with it’s past history, sprawling suburbs and cultural diversity topped with an ever changing landscape and evolution that is quite invigorating and exciting.

Monday January 11, 2021

I’m getting better all the time but I am still reacting adversely to certain outside stimuli. When this happens the feeling I get is one of “frustration”, a bit of anger and a general shittiness that I can’t quite put my finger on and as a result cannot immediately address. It’s a bit like a mosquito buzzing around my head late at night when the lights go out. You can live with it but at the same time you want to destroy the little motherfucker.

I’m wondering why I can’t just acknowledge the feeling and have it disappear in a “puff of smoke” but unfortunately I find myself clinging onto it for a while until it just goes away on it’s own steam, but having said that “It’s getting better all the time.”

I think the one ingredient that is always there in these cases is mystery, the unknown, can’t quite hit the nail on the head. Yes, not quite knowing what is going on. Whether it is somebody else being shitty with me and me not knowing why or me wrongly blaming somebody else for something negative that is happening and half believing that this could be so.

My topic for this morning is “The stress I create when I want to share”. I had a dream this morning in which I was enthusiastically teaching 2 teenage girls about the communication formula and The ARC triangle. In my dream I was an over zealous old man spreading his wisdom to a couple of young girls who hadn’t been given a chance to put 2 + 2 together for themselves. It was stressful even in my dream.

Based on the Chakra thing the area where the cancer possibly is in my throat is also where the throat chakra resides. I am a novice when it comes to such things but I’m attempting to piece together how my constant desire to communicate could have something to do with my current condition.

Have you ever become so excited about something that you absolutely convinced yourself that when you started spouting out the words of appreciation about whatever it is that fired you up that they would sound so profound that the words would become instantly infectious and hence you would easily be able to share your experience as well as enhance the life of the person receiving your “enthusiastic verbal waterfall”.

But, yes there is a “but” in most things in life, when you attempted to share what it was that ignited your exhilarated state, the words sounded bland and flat and you pulled them back in on yourself wishing that you never uttered them or shared them in the first place.

This is analogous with certain aspects of my own creativity.Most of the time I don’t have the confidence to share my creations with other people. What started off sounding or looking absolutely amazing to me ended up in a pile of mush, so bad that I wanted to retract my initial desire to share. It’s like I want an instantaneous positive response that will then give strength and credibility to my own creation that I already felt good about in the first place.

I’ve spent my whole life like this apart from the times when I completely lost myself when playing music and then I couldn’t give a shit about what anyone else thought because the act and moment of creation was just that. A moment of creation that I was able to celebrate for what it was and not what it could be in the eyes of others.

Imagine if a farmer needed an audience to watch him planting and nurturing his soil and seeds. The observers could not possibly imagine or perceive the love, skill and care he imparts upon his quest to grow nourishing food. This might be enough to drive him into apathy and cause him to take shortcuts and have no more desire to do the best he possibly can.

I believe I have just unlocked a huge door that has been blocking my willingness to just create for the joy of it. Always wanting to share with others to gain their admiration has only resulted in losses, self imposed at that. I have created my own prison and my own bars by not just accepting what it is that I have created but re-visiting it with a far too critical outlook that puts out the fire that I felt in the first place.

Creative self destruction, self imposed censorship, withholding my own communication.

The time has come to just accept that “I am where I am with whatever I do” and with practise and knowledge I can improve my skills and simply by doing that I can feed my own desire for that feeling of exhilaration that I am always striving to achieve.

I have been working on my appreciation of the wonderful people, environment, music, food, creativity and anything else that graces my life.

There are so many wonderful things that are out there every minute of every day.

Just waking up for example, a music track that makes my heart soar and sing, a mouthful of food that makes my saliva glands drip and drool, a beautiful colour, the way something is positioned in relation to something else, a clear blue sky and then a cloud.

Today by chance I found 2 amazing “creations” that for me portray all of the very best visual and aural parts of life on this planet.

It happened almost by chance, but not really because I believe in magic.

One is a music concert in Turkey and the other is a documentary movie called “Human’s Music” by ……..

If God were about to pack his/her/their bags and leave this part of the universe for a prolonged trip to a location light years away and wanted to listen to some “earth music” that is ethereal, powerful, full of emotion, skill and beauty and then watch a visual representation of his/her/their creation showing the amazing fortitude, skill, adaptability and incredibleness of mankind in the most sublime manner plus this uniquely beautiful and awe inspiring locations on this amazing planet that we live on I found both of them today.

God would be pleased with me.

Here I was in my hyperbaric oxygen chamber sucking in pure oxygen under extreme pressure and I opened up YouTube and found a live concert by Dhafer Youseff recorded in Turkey in 2013. I watched and listened, I sucked in the oxygen and I smiled and wanted to yell out to anyone who could hear that they had to watch it and share the joy I was experiencing.

I was on a roll and did some more searching and noticed an image that looked interesting plus a name that looked familiar.

RGCC CTC Testing

Dr Eng has recommended that I do the RGCC CTC testing. This stands for Research Genetic Cancer Centre : Circulating Tumour Cells Test.

This is a relatively new test that captures malignant cells from my blood on a patented membrane.

It is capable of capturing one malignant cell out of trillions of normal blood cells. It is so specific that it can actually give a count of malignant cells captured per millilitre of blood that is presented for observation.

Once the team have captured the malignant cells on the membrane they are able to grow or culture the cells outside the body on cell culture dishes.

Next, over a six day period they test the cultures with all modern chemotherapy agents, over 70 natural agents, as well as the genetic expression of the cancer itself.

At the end of the six days of testing all of these agents the scientists give a percentage kill rate or percentage of decrease of the malignant cells in the cell culture dishes.

The gene expression part of the test allows how to discover how the malignant cells want to grow, multiply, develop new blood vessels and grow in other places also known as metastasising, what the cells feed oil and what inhibits them.

It allows the oncologist/integrative doctor to get a specific look and insight into what therapy will work best for me.

It also allows the oncologist to be very specific with their chemotherapy treatments and also helps me and other practitioners to know what may be the best natural approach to cancer therapy as well.

So all in all it looks like the test beams in on the circulating tumour cells in the blood and determines what is happening and what to do, how best to treat it much more specifically than guessing.

Sunday January 10, 2021

It’s Sunday morning and it is also there first day in what seems like weeks that I don’t need to rush off somewhere.

I have noticed my reaction to “bad timing”, I get overwhelmed and feel like the walls are squeezing in on me. I still need how to react to “being late” more appropriately. My reaction doesn’t get me there on time, it’s the forward planning that does. The person/appointment I am late to does not feel any better knowing that I feel like shit.

It’s a beautiful mild summer day, I’m sitting on the upstairs deck listening to a singer named Cecile McLorin and a pianist, Jacky Terrasson, birds are making bird noises in the background and the overall ambience is almost perfect.

Gratitude is in order.

I’m going to get my CTC test done tomorrow. I wrote about it yesterday. Exciting is not the right word but it will be good to know what is happening in my body with cancer cells.

My tasks today involve paying out huge sums of money to practitioners and doing writeups for the head cancer nurse at Monash so she and they are in the loop with what I’m going and why.

I weighed myself this morning and I’m now into the 83 kg range, my pants have gone from size 42 to size 36, not from unhealthy weight loss but from controlled eating and a relatively healthy ketogenic diet plus exercise. It has been enlightening doing daily blood sugar and ketone tests. I can almost tell when I’m going to be in the right level of ketosis. Low, low carbs, not a real lot of protein and lots of very good quality fat.

I am considering a 48 hour fast before my upcoming operation. I might have a big breakfast on Wednesday morning and see how I go from there. I might even do a bullet proof coffee at lunchtime on Wednesday and see how I go from there. Oh yes, we will be at Red Hill. We leave to drive down at midday on Tuesday and will return on Wednesday evening.

Saturday January 9, 2021

First Words

Got up at 7.30 am this morning so I can arrive at OxyMed in South Yarra at 9.30 am. For the majority of sessions this is far too early mainly because I need to get 8 hours sleep as part of my regimen.