Thoughts, Feelings and Considerations
It hasn’t even been 48 hours since I have received the news of cancer. Firstly, I am feeling physically fine. No changes and if I hadn’t been told about my biopsy on Tuesday I would have felt that I am generally in pretty good health.
Having said that, there is a definite shift in my attention. I feel that I am in a different position in relation to the rest of the world. Sort of more like an observer than a participant. A little bit off to the left.
I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it feels like a black cloud has settled directly above me.
I have to be careful that I balance out my optimism and the reality of my situation. My reaction to whatever happens is by far going to be one of the most important things to be in control of. As I always say, there is something positive to come out of anything, good or bad.
I’ve spent a lot of time during my life pondering the mysteries of death. At times I fell so deeply into the rabbit hole that I got lost but in more recent times I have come to the conclusion that you cannot fight against what is inevitable. Acceptance seems to be the answer. Rejection causes more mental pain and you end up fighting shadows.
On an immediate basis I am approaching my situation with a mix of optimism, denial, hope and a certain amount of fear. Not just fear for me but fear for those who love me and who will experience great loss and pain if I die.
There are two aligned situations right now.
- My body and cells are doing whatever it is that they are doing. It’s hard to say because I feel fine and even though I have a lot more research to do about nutrition to develop a protocol to keep the cells dividing and multiplying as slowly as possible I am also currently eating very well, not consuming any sugar, any simple carbohydrates, anything that I know will have an adverse effect on my body. My weight is stable. I am still exercising, having infrared saunas and generally doing the same regimen that I have been for the past several months
- I still haven’t got the complete picture of what is happening from a medical diagnostic point of view. All I have is the initial pathology from the biopsy in my neck and my G.Ps interpretation of it. Whatever is “is” but I now need the more precise diagnosis of my situation so I can then work out a plan of action that will be positive and effective and that will hopefully keep me alive for as long as possible.
I have to admit that I am a bit scared to arrive at this point and even though I need to know the exact situation that I am dealing with I’m somewhat happier to be in this current state of “optimistic denial”. At the same time I also understand that I need to confront the reality of my situation in order to approach it intelligently and effectively.
The rules that apply to a body that has malignant cells are different to the rules that apply to a healthy body. I’m referring to the more fine tuned rules and protocols that apply to mutated cells and damaged DNA. For example, I was devastated last night the listen to a podcast and discover that what I thought of as my secret weapon against cancer – sulforaphane – may actually help the cancer cells proliferate. I had truly believed that broccoli seed sprouts which are a precursor to sulforaphane would protect me and kill off the mutant cells but it looks like they might help create a safer environment for them to live in and multiply.
That’s what I mean. I have to approach the future armed with information that is effective and relevant and not let earlier “stable datums” block my ability to research, study and learn effectively.
The other thing that mystifies me is my current attitude towards death. I really am expecting to discover a moment of clarity as a spiritual being at the moment that I leave my body. This has been a great comfort to me throughout my life. I’m also willing to accept that this may not be the case and if it isn’t it won’t really matter to me because I have absolutely no control over what is waiting.
I had a thought on our walk last night that surprised me. It was abstract but was something like “Death is coming anyway it’s just now possible that it may come sooner than I expected”.
Having said all of that, I love life. I love waking up each morning and funnily enough never get bored or disillusioned about my universe.
My plan is to do whatever I can to appreciate every moment, every sensation, every interaction, every breath and to exist in the present moment.
Now is all there is.
It is a pretty nice place to exist in.
Comments
Interesting how Cancer brings up the word death, as I know more people that have got better from it, than have died, so my belief is that people can get better again and enjoy a full life. Sending you armfuls of love Gary, for your journey to being free of any cancer cells again.
I had a malignant melanoma in my 20s, and still going strong.