Firefly : A Flash of Hope
The first time I saw a firefly was in the mid 1980s in the hills just outside Ubud, Bali. I was thrilled and swept away by the magic of these tiny insects glowing in the dark and in some ways it summed up the magic of life.
Even though I still don’t know exactly what is happening with my body and at what stage the cancer is at I still have a flash of hope that the magic that creates life on this planet will be enough to get me through my current crisis. I am still in a state of “Optimistic Denial” although I am not kidding myself and I’m doing as much reading and research as I can based on what I currently know and can currently understand. My next big steps are to a) find out what type of cancer I have and at what stage it is at and b) to fully understand the mechanics and nature of cancer.
I am waiting on an appointment with an oncologist (cancer specialist) as well as information on my latest biopsies.
Overall I am doing quite well. I feel pretty much totally normal or even better than normal physically. My thoughts are pretty much under control although I fell down the rabbit hole into the mystery of death and eternity for a while last night. Not necessarily a good place to go but I do still need to confront whatever comes up. I just have to be careful of over indulgence when it comes to moments like this.
I have also started a few simple actions that get me more into the present moment and in their simplicity are very powerful. Firstly I perceive my location and then become aware of my relationship to every sense that I can that exists ….. sound, smell, temperature, visual, pressure even the sensations in my body. This is a very simple but very potent act and I wonder why I haven’t consciously done it all of my life. The other is a simple game I play where I notice all the colours around me. I’ve always been aware that I love colour but not aware of the degree of it’s richness, diversity and intensity.
Based on what I currently know, I am eating very well. Loads of raw vegetables, water, no meat, some salmon, an occasional black coffee but absolutely no indulgences and nothing that will spike my insulin levels. No sugar, no fructose, no simple carbohydrates, no processed foods, no nasty commercial fats or oils. Everything I eat is primary food. The next step is to morph into as much organic produce as is humanly and financially possible. My primary purpose for food now is nutrition and it’s medicinal properties.
I am getting about 8 hours of sleep but I must admit I wake a couple of times but go back into my dreams pretty quickly.
I am keeping myself hungry and just consuming what my body needs to function well. I must be getting enough calories because there is definitely no lack of energy. I’ve got to get the macro-nutrient balance right but that will happen over the next few days. One of the interesting and pleasant by products of this is the magic of taste. When I ate my salmon, asparagus and mushrooms last night my taste buds experienced intense pleasure. Really, the taste was amazing and it was interesting to notice the intensity of taste diminishing as I got more satiated.
Whatever happens, whatever fears that arise, I am grateful for my existence. Life and consciousness is a gift that is easy to devalue when there is no awareness of what it might be like to not have it.
Overall I feel like I am swimming in a sea of sensation, magic and creation and I would like to keep it that way for as long as possible.
