Tuesday June 18, 2024
Georgie and I arrived back to our second home, Bali at around 10 p.m last night after a relatively nondescript and uneventful flight on our “favourite” budget airline, Jetstar. By midnight we were at Villa Tusk and by 12.30 a.m we were in bed, a bit hungry however it was far too late to even consider eating anything.
I got a music track done as part of my challenge to create a piece of music from start to finish during the time it takes to fly from point A to point B. I’ve been doing this since out trip to Europe early in 2023. Not only does it cause me to get creative, it also helps the time to almost disappear into a haze of creativity with my attention totally on creating music out of nothing but a general theme, feeling or idea. Last nights track is called “Cruising Altitude”, I almost dumped it after the first 90 minutes but kept persisting, editing, adding and subtracting until I came up with an end product that I was happy enough with.
I woke up at 6 a.m, lolled around in bed and finally got up and had a shower. I unpacked our boxes and most go the bags. Georgie was ready to go for a walk at 8 a.m. I thought there was no point in getting too frantic about things today, there’s no need to push the envelope. We set of to have a coffee at a small cafe in Penestanan Kaja near Vespa but got distracted when we noticed that the new Russian restaurant Brie was open in the mornings. In January they opened at 5 in the afternoon. We sat on the balcony and enjoyed being back in Penestanan. The guy who served us was a young Javanese boy named Sha from Malang in Eastern Java, he spoke good English but also had some skills in Japanese and Russian. We had a long chat about his aspirations, what it was like being in Bali et al. After this we walked down through the back roads of Sayan for an hour or more and then back up to Penestanan where we had an early lunch at Ibu Nyoman’s. I dropped into Wayan’s Juice Bar on the way back and bought my days supply of fresh coconut milk.
Now we are back at the Villa just chilling, Purnami is getting our SIMs up to date and working. So far, so good.
Monday June 17, 2024
It’s finally Monday morning, the day we leave for our biggest ever trip to Bali. I’ll be gone for a bit more than 4 months unless I get an appointment with a specialist to get my hernia fixed.
Am I a bit nervous? Yes I am although any anxious feelings I have are really only about Finn. I wonder if my Dad ever worried about me? Of course he did, when I was Finn’s age I am certain that he wondered what the fuck was going on with me, I’d already spent several years as a drug smoking hippy and then all of a sudden I join what he sees as a cult. I was so caught up in my own life that I didn’t even stop to think how my own actions, my own choice of lifestyle might be affecting my parents. It’s too late to actually apologise to them now. I’ll just say that I’m sorry anyway.
As a parent myself all I can do is to stay true to myself, keep my eyes and ears open and respond as compassionately as I possibly can. There are going to be moments of worry, concern, stress and even a bit of anxiety. I know all of this will happen but we all have to live our own lives.
Yesterday when I was talking to Lis I stupidly mentioned that we were finally doing a will. I had a feeling in the deep recesses that I shouldn’t say anything, I did anyway. Things went off the rails a bit after this. The end result was Allissa hanging up, all based on some sort of misunderstanding.
I’ll try to write something that smooths things out.
OK, I’ve written a message to her that I hope is received well. I get so bloody nervous and anxious when we have these upsets between us. It’s been something that I have never resolved in 4 decades of being her father. Maybe there is something deeper underlying the nuances of our relationship, maybe not. My only option is to look at myself, what I do to create conflict and how I respond when it happens. Another barrier to overcome.
Hi Lis
Firstly I just need to clarify what happened yesterday. We were having a private phone conversation, I generally do everything in my power to be on my own when I talk to you. I never put my phone on speaker mode, it’s not something that I do. Georgie had been outside, I was sitting at the dining room table on my own talking to you and then she came back in the house and sat down at the table, just seconds before you asked if I was on my own. What happened was an unfortunate misunderstanding.
I understand that there are things that I do that upset you but I want you to know that I never intentionally do actions to create conflict between us. Since yesterday I’ve been clumsily trying to work out what to do to resolve whatever it is that caused our “issue”. My attention has been stuck (confused, a bit anxious and unhappy) and to be frank I don’t really know what to do. It would be naive of me to think that there was nothing to sort out with you or feel that I did nothing to deserve to have you hang up but honestly I just go “dumb” when it happens. What is important to me today is that we are on good terms when I leave for Bali. Is there a good time to ring? I have to go to the doctor this morning to get a referral to a specialist as well as all of the final things that are still on my list. We will leave for the airport at about 2 pm and arrive at 3. The plane leaves at 5.40. Love Dad
Sunday June 16, 2024
I’ve had an idea. Seeing that I will be away from Melbourne for 4 months I can write a blog especially for Finn and Allissa while I am in Bali. This is one way I can keep them in the loop with what I’m doing, my music, my thoughts.
I’m going to miss both of them.
I looked at my website last night after stuffing it up by pressing rear end buttons that I had no idea about. It needs some serious thought in it’s construction. I’m not all that clear in how to go about it but it’s time I do something to make it easier to access and navigate.
I’ve never asked myself the question “What is a father?”, even though I have been one for 45 years. Here’s the simple definition in the Oxford English Dictionary –
The male parent of a human being; a man in relation to his child or children.
Like many of the most important things in life it’s almost a role you make up as you go. The lack of words coming out of me at the moment shines the spotlight on the elementary fact that I haven’t given it much thought over the past 5 decades. I’ve just run with it, making it up as I go.
My life started off having my own father, another relationship that I have never really explored. I know that he loved me, I also suspect that he really didn’t have much idea how to connect with me and conversely me to him.
My inability to freely write about this subject speaks buckets. The thing is, you can’t bullshit because the runs are already on the board, the spotlight has already been shined on you. The realisation that you have meandered through life without ever really defining such an important role is somehow humbling.
I suppose that your own perception of how well you’ve done in this role is quite different from each of your children. They are the arbiters of how well you have carried out your role as well as your own bullshit about what a great guy you.
You can meet a new person at any point in life and act out a role of being a compassionate, caring, responsible charismatic person who is easy to like, especially when taken in small doses but when you’ve been there in the lives of a person since their birth, a person who has relied upon you for inspiration, direction, strength you can’t lie. They’ve seen you at your best as well as your worst. They can also see through your many faceted veneers that you show to the rest of the world.
I really didn’t think that this “exercise” was going to be so uncomfortable, especially when I suspect that my son and daughter are going to read the words that dribble onto the page and that they are actually my most astute critics and have a far greater understanding of me, my intentions, my motivations, my weaknesses than pretty much anybody else alive.
Saturday June 15, 2024
For a while yesterday I actually felt old! This was more mental than physical even though I did also feel light headed and lacking in stamina throughout the day. Some of this may be attributable to the recent diagnosis of liver issues, portal vein, hernia et al or it may be that things have deteriorated in recent times due to eating the wrong foods, in my case gluten and processed carbs, seed oil and maybe too much dairy.
My Oura ring, on the other hand tells me that I am in a good place this morning after a decent sleep, a day of rest and quite high readings all around.
It’s my final 2 days in Melbourne before heading off to Bali for 120 plus days. The most important things that I need to get done are seeing Allissa, preparing our kitchen for Finn, getting supplements and vitamins and any medical drugs that I will need and finishing my packing. We might buy some towels for the villa which will happen tomorrow. The other task I have today is to prepare a big pot of soup that will see us through the next couple of days.
I would also like to go to the gym today and possibly have a sauna.
For now I have to take my attention off anything negative, bad news, bad thoughts, world affairs. I can control myself, my own thoughts and hopefully my own health. I cannot control the future of mankind, socio economic tragedies that are constantly unfolding or world poverty. Any positive actions that I can take that will improve communication, give some inspiration, learn and understand more about truth will be where I should be putting my attention.
I am more than happy to be alive to continue to experience the wonders of this fleeting moment in time.
Friday June 14, 2024
I am once again in the deep trench of mystery. I find when there is too much mystery, the question mark that accompanies physiological conditions that you know very little about, that the anxiety and fear can creep in giving you a chronic feeling of uneasiness. I am determined to go to Bali as much as I am determined to improve my health. My gut tells me that the conditions that I have become aware of this week have been with me for at least several years. If this is the case then the only real difference is that I now have a diagnosis. Spigellian hernia, osteoarthritis of my knees, particularly my left knee and a slightly enlarged liver that has some scarring, which is putting pressure on my main portal vein. The good news is that I now know that these conditions exist and as such I may be able to do something about them.
Once again I am faced with the prospects of learning, understanding and applying what I do learn with as much self discipline as possible. The goal is to continue in good health and not to have my body give up on me.
I maintained a pretty good diet yesterday apart from having a protein bar that I found in the van and a couple of teaspoons of cream on my blueberries.
The big challenge is going to be to not allow myself to become constipated as this seems to be one of the biggest issues with the hernia. It may mean giving myself regular enemas and maybe even having several colonics while in Bali.
Enough on my health.
I am still having intense dreams although last night seemed a bit better overall. We got to the gym last night, I did a 60 minute workout. Allissa rang me at about 10.15 pm to have a yak, she’s been holed up in her apartment all week with a bad dose of influenza. I am making her a big pot of chicken soup that I’ll take to her later today or tomorrow.
All in all it’s been a relatively static week. Prepping and packing for Bali, doing doctor’s appointments and tests, light exercises, cooking and entertaining. I sure as hell have not set the world on fire this week. We are experiencing a cold snap in Melbourne over the past couple of days which has kept the temperatures down and the skies grey.
The last topic I will touch upon at the moment is the political condition of the world. As I wrote about recently, the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962 was a defining point in my life. I and the rest of the world was terrified about the possibility of nuclear war. I can’t remember being overly anxious in the 80s during the Cold War period when Reagan was the President, maybe I was too busy establishing a business and being a dad. We are once again at a crossroads but this time the press are simply not saying anything, nobody is really scared maybe the majority are not really even slightly aware of the predicament that mankind is facing. All I can do is to have hope that sanity will prevail but unfortunately this seems to be in the hands of the US whose current bunch of politicians seem slightly interiorised and unaware that they are risking the future of the human race with their tactics. Time will tell as this horrible scenario unfolds.
Thursday June 13, 2024
I succeeded in getting through yesterday without any carbs although I had a couple of sausages that may have had a few carbs in them. Physically I feel a lot better this morning than I have in the past few days despite the fact that I still had dreams that might be considered on the nightmarish end of the shut eye spectrum. I feel a bit emotionally uneasy although this might be due to a particularly nasty e-mail that we received this morning from an AirBnB person who cancelled a year ago at the last moment who presumably didn’t get a refund. 4.5 days to go until we depart for Bali.
Poor Allissa has a bad bout of Influenza, she sounds horrible, all blocked up and stuck at home. She had planned on going to Thailand this week and despite floundering on her decision ended up too sick to go anyway. I have to see her before I leave for Bali but having said that I also have to wait so I don’t get infected with the bug she has.
It is a strange phenomena to be feeling like something not quite right is happening or that I have forgotten a bad outcome all because of dreams. I also started off my day with a nasty abusive message from an old client with AirBnB, This had a profound effect on me. I should practise forgiveness. If I remember clearly we gave her a partial refund. I can put myself in her shoes and can also understand how she would feel antagonism toward us but I also can see from our viewpoint that she cancelled at the last minute which did not give us a chance to book out the villa. Feeling animosity toward this person will do no good, trying to justify feeling holy and right will also do no good, there are 2 sides to every story as is witnessed by Melanie’s experience with the AirBnB in Japan. Maybe I pulled this message in because I have not yet written and sent the message that I promised Mel that I would send when I got back from Japan.
Having said all of that I had a phone consultation with my GP in regard to the ultrasound that I had 2 days ago. It is confirmed that I do have a spigelian hernia.
“A Spigelian is the type of ventral hernia where aponeurotic fascia pushes through a hole in the junction of the linea semilunaris and the arcuate line, creating a bulge. It appears in the lower quadrant of the abdomen between an area of dense fibrous tissue and abdominal wall muscles causing a (Spigelian aponeurosis).[1]
It is the protuberance of omentum, adipose tissue, or bowel in that weak space between the abdominal wall muscles, that ultimately pushes the intestines or superficial fatty tissue through a hole causing a defect. As a result, it creates the movement of an organ or a loop of intestine in the weakened body space that it is not supposed to be in. It is at this separation (aponeurosis) in the ventral abdominal region, that herniation most commonly occurs.
Spigelian hernia | |
Other names | Lateral ventral hernia |
| |
Transverse CT image of the abdomen in a patient with a Spigelian hernia (arrow). | |
Spigelian hernias are rare compared to other types of hernias because they do not develop under abdominal layers of fat but between fascia tissue that connects to muscle. The Spigelian hernia is generally smaller in diameter, typically measuring 1–2 cm., and the risk of tissue becoming strangulated is high.”
My GP is going to do referrals for me to see specialists for both my liver and my hernia. The joys of old age!!
Wednesday June 12, 2024
The funny thing about receiving a diagnosis is that the condition already exists, the earlier you get the diagnosis, the more you understand what it means, the more action you take, the more research you do, the more discipline you apply will then determine the outcome and prognosis.
I found out yesterday that my liver is scarred, enlarged and is causing my main portal vein to not function as it should. I don’t know how severe the condition is but it looks like it’s bad enough to impact my health. I did some preliminary research yesterday, just scratched the surface. The biggest take home is that it’s a wake up call. I may also have a hernia.
My overall goal at this stage of my life is to live a long happy, healthy life full of adventure and discovery. In order to do this I have to take whatever action is necessary to repair the liver, portal vein, gallstones and hernia.
Another big change is that I am eating carbs again which also means that I am subjecting myself to gluten. Both my sisters have full blown celiac disease as do many of my cousins, nieces so I know for certain that their is a genetic weakness in this area. I gave up trying to be low carb during our recent trip to Japan eating lots of ramen, fried food and even sweet treats like ice cream. We’ve been back for 3 weeks and I haven’t thought twice about returning to my stricter low carb, gluten free diet.
I am still waiting on results from the latest ultrasound that I did. I will have another phone consultation with my doctor before I leave for Bali.
I will be in Bali and Java for the next 4 months which will mean that I wont have access to cream which has become an obsession.
The overall plan then is to get highly disciplined over the next 4 months in regard to diet, exercise and anything else that can and will impact my health. When I return to Melbourne in November I will make an appointment with a gastroenterologist to get more accurate tests done on my liver and portal vein, gallstones etc. I will also need to follow up on the potential of having a hernia and take any necessary actions to get this resolved. Plus I need to do as much research as I need to have a greater understanding of the liver, what can be done to repair it. Maybe with some hard work I can improve the overall situation by then.
I need to lose some weight, stop having seed oil, carbs, gluten, eat more fibre, get back onto intermittent fasting, start doing blood tests again, handle the FOMO that comes with disciplined eating. I’ve done it before, I can do it again.
Addendum
The universe has shone down upon me. I mentioned yesterday that I had scraped a car in the car park at the imaging place I had my ultrasound at. I had taken it in my stride and also had decided not to tell Georgie just yet, this was a gut feeling, I cant even tell you why I made this decision. I expected to be paying around $600 to make things right but had calmly accepted this without too much loss or emotional pain.
The great news is that I just got an email from Carolyn, the wife of Rob to let me know that Rob had done a cut and polish and all was well, that they would not be pursuing the matter any further. I cant tell you how happy I am about this wonderful outcome.
Hi Gary
I came across your blog entry at I was searching for the contact details of Dr Eng to help my dad who has cancer which has now metastasised and he has now stopped all active treatment.
It’s so encouraging to hear about your positive response to Dr Eng’s treatment.
My dad is resistant to alternative treatment methods and whilst I was just recently able to get in touch via email with Dr Eng, I thought you may also be able to answer a few questions before I present my info to my dad. If you are willing of course.
May I please ask about the average cost involved? He noted the initial consultation being $1200 (I’m not sure if there is any rebate for this..) but with the ongoing consults and treatments/medications etc, do you have a rough guide as to what one would expect to pay? Or what you paid if you don’t mind sharing?
Does the treatment plan require more than taking all the medications? Eg lifestyle changes etc
Was it very intensive for you? My dad is very weak now and barely leaves his bed. I’m not sure if he’d get on board with a very demanding routine.
And finally, how long did it take to see and feel change? Do you need to continue on with what you were prescribed indefinitely?
Thank you so much. I would really appreciate any help from your personal experience that you are able to share.
Kind regards
Sherry
Hi Sherry
Thank you for getting onto me. Your dad is very lucky that you care so much for him. Unfortunately there are so many different ways that cancer manifests especially when it has metastasised. What sort of cancer does your Dad have? What stage is he at? Where has it metastasised to?
The biggest issue I can see is when you say “My Dad is resistant to alternative treatment methods”. That’s the key to any chance of recovery. Dr Eng’s treatments were hugely important but were only one of many protocols that I followed. It was a full time, hugely disciplined 2 years of extraordinary hard work which included a super strict keto diet, hyperbaric oxygen, exercise, sauna/cold and the list goes on. It also cost a fortune as medicare only covers mainstream treatments. I maybe spent $100,000 …. I didn’t add it up, some people spend $100,000 on a new car so I figured my life was more valuable than a car.
I don’t exactly know how much I spent. I started off pretty broke and if I had known the cost I may not have pursued the treatments but magic happened along the way and the money just appeared as I needed it.
I will send you a few other posts that I did during my treatment, you can find my website at www.garycollier.com.au, there is a section on cancer, keto and my overall strategy and what it involved.
I am happy to talk to you. Send me your number if you want to do this. I’m going to Indonesia for 4 months next Monday but we can talk on WhatsApp.
My only real advice right now is that going to Dr Eng will help but your Dad would have to assume the viewpoint that he is willing to do whatever he needs to do to survive and not put his hope in the hands of any one individual. All they can do is to help him, it’s up to him to do the research and hard work and follow whatever steps/protocols that he feels will help.
I’m sorry if this sounds cold and callous but from my experience there is no easy way out of cancer. You have to be willing to do a huge amount of work and have a huge desire to survive.
The lifestyle changes are a very important part of the overall approach and treatment. I also have to say that it is an ongoing thing as the danger never really goes away once you have had cancer.
I’m happy to do whatever I can to help but I believe that your biggest challenge might be to have your Dad have an open mind to other possibilities than the mainstream standard of care.
Hi Josh I’m back in Bali next Tuesday for 4 months. Finn is well on his way to losing the weight and has proved that he has the capacity for a huge amount of self discipline after what he did on the walking challenge. He’s looking great and seems determined to get down to 90 kgs by September. Here are a few observations that might help for the future, plus I wont be here to help out with food, companionship, nudging etc. As his Dad I don’t want to keep nagging and asking questions. The accountability to you seems to neb the most successful part of the program. He is still losing weight but I suspect that it’s mainly happening now due to improved metabolism and calorie restriction. He only goes to the gym maybe once a week and when he does he seems to do a very intense workout for 30 minutes. Overall he seems to have cut out the majority of the junk food and drinks that he had been consuming. I cook him one or 2 steaks each day but he’s not eating veggies or fibre for that matter. I can’t really nag him as it goes nowhere. Since the walking challenge has finished he’s pulled right back which is understandable but knowing Finn he needs a “challenge” and “game” to be motivated. Oh, and it’s winter in Melbourne and the weather is invariably miserable. As far as I can see he has cut his alcohol consumption down to almost zero although he had a few beers in Japan and maybe gets the occasional small bottle of spirits. He’s still smoking a bit of weed. Overall the results have been hugely positive but I feel that he needs a bit more direction at the moment, maybe another challenge that he can get his teeth into. I’ll stay in daily touch with him from Bali and do anything I can to support his efforts.
Tuesday June 11, 2024
I feel a bit wishy washy this morning, a bit light headed and murky like the sediment has been disturbed on the bottom of a pond.
I had our lunch with Mel, Trinidad, John and Flora yesterday. As usual I cooked too much food, the hardest part was keeping everything hot, something I need to work out one of these days. I overcooked as I usually do so we now have enough food ready for the next couple of days. These are people I have known for 50 years, my core group of friends, people who I owe loyalty to, ex-wives, ex-girlfriends. It went well, we didn’t set the world on fire, the food was OK, the conversation went smoothly with no fireworks or controversy. I wont see any of them again for at least 4 months. I should stay in touch though.
Have I made a mistake creating a world that I am happy and content with? I’m happy spending my time with Georgie, travelling with Georgie, talking to Georgie. I’m happy hanging out in my home, everything that I need is here but there again I am happy being on the road exploring and finding new experiences, locations, cultures, food and people.
11.30 am
I have just driven to an appointment to have an ultrasound. I decided to listen to a podcast on the precepts of Buddhism on the way so I put an earbud in my right ear in order to still have some contact with other sounds. When I arrived at the car park I misjudged my turn into the parking bay and scraped the car on the left. It was not my intention to do this but I did. I had a sense of loss, a feeling of disappointment, a moment of feeling sorry for myself, a fleeting thought that it might go away, a feeling of remorse that I will have to pay money. What is done is done, the consequences of one’s actions have to be taken responsibility for, trying to reshape the truth results in irrationality and more suffering. The people who owned the other car were very level headed, I gave them my details we shook hands and we’ll see what happens next.
The next hurdle that I have to overcome is to decide what to do about Finn’s food while we are away. I may have to buy the meat and add it to his bill, which by the way I will need to get up to date. The apparently is that he is continuing to lose weight, looks like it’s mainly by calorie restriction
Monday June 10, 2024
It’s a week today until we head off to Bali, maybe my dreams will calm down once I get onto Bali time. Of late they have been intense, sticky and thick like gooey treacle. I have no control, no prediction about what I will dream. I wake up some mornings feeling like I have been living an alternate life when I close my eyes and drop off into my REM sleep, the lingering emotions are palpable, the residual emotion seems almost real, another sign, reminder and example that nothing in life is stable or permanent, that it is ever changing and always a surprise.
The more I explore the basic precepts of Buddhism the more it points to the simple fact that I have been slanted in that direction for most of my life. Like anything that is not understood it seemed complex and unfriendly, Ron Hubbard was right when he stated that understanding is made up of equal parts of communication, reality and affinity. Now I just have to find a workable meditation technique to apply to myself that I feel good about using or at least a starting point.
I get the idea that all suffering comes about due to one’s cravings, desires, the need for some sort of ownership, expectations, FOMO “et al”. Suffering is also akin to loss, pain … emotional and physical, general unpleasantness and such so the theory is that if you have no expectations, no need to hold onto bibs and bobs, people, possessions, memories, mental pictures, habits, fixed opinions and ideas, identities, ego, sense of self and can garner enough acceptance then you exist in the serenity of present time.
“This moment is different than any before it, this moment is different, it’s now”
I didn’t do such a good job of tolerance and compassion yesterday when we were at Kaye’s. My lesson learned is that I need to become more strategic in dealing with the idiosyncrasies of others, more tolerant, more compassionate, more wise and to examine my intentions. That seems to be the key, examining one’s intentions. Are they good or bad? Quite a simple yardstick to use.
I know that there are experiences in life that leave indelible impressions on one’s actions, responses, emotions. What I need to work out next is whether you can just let these go. Logically the first step would be to be able to observe them, to look at them unemotionally like an observer as opposed to being an active participant. That seems to be one of the purposes of meditation.
Oh well, it looks like I may have taken a few small steps forward in my search for truth……continue.
Sunday June 9, 2024
All life, all objects, organic and inorganic are in a constant state of change. Nothing remains the same. Even though I feel like the same person I was yesterday I am not, cells have died, bacteria in my microbiome has altered, new cells have formed, the amino acids in my brain are different, I am thinking different thoughts, looking at new memories, I have grown stubble on my face that my body somehow created, I have slightly changed goals and aspirations, my digestive juices have a different acid/alkaline ratio, my mood is different sometimes from hour to hour, my “mind” can even be changed on subjects that I feel strongly about.
It’s tricky because I feel that I am always much the same, never changing, stable but I know that this is not the case.
I own possessions which I am slightly attached to, they can be lost, given away, stolen, broken, damaged beyond repair. I can feel momentary loss or sometimes a more significant loss but I am working on letting what “is” just “be” and accepting it. I’m getting a bit better at this but still have a way to go. It would be horrible to die and feel loss. Death is inevitable so this sense of letting go and accepting is important.
I have never been a big fan of using force although I have. I know that I use strategies to get my own way but have never explored whether this is bad or good. Forcing people to do things for their own good is a strange concept, we all have to travel our own paths to whatever our lives have to offer. Obviously the ideal way of bringing about positive change in another person is to inspire them either by my own actions or by offering information that has worked for me while accepting that they may not pursue improvement or be interested in the knowledge that I choose to share.
This is not to say that I cannot offer my service to others. I enjoy cooking meals, my reward is the appreciation or enjoyment that the meal offers. I enjoy telling people good things about themselves. I enjoy communicating with others, usually with the goal of creating more understanding between us. I do not enjoy harming others although I am sure that I have not lived up to everyone’s expectations. I try to communicate to those closest to me on a regular basis but at times I falter.
I have always wondered whether I am a coward. I treasure life, the idea of dying is repugnant to me although I am working on being more accepting of this inedibility but at the same time it seems futile to throw life away. I do not believe that physical violence is the way to resolve differences. I believe that there is always a solution that can be achieved through communication leading to understanding.
I find war repugnant and futile, destructive and evil. The effort put into destroying the lives and property of others could easily be used to bring about better conditions and lives of those involved. This has been a lifelong viewpoint, not something that I changed my mind about along my journey.
I accept that my body will die, my current perceptions will cease to exist. I will never be the same person. I may or may not reincarnate but in the case that I do I will not be the same person. I am a culmination of my genetic make up, habits and morals picked up along the way, likes and dislikes, appreciation of beauty and abhorrence of what I find ugly, I have access to my memories and have surrounded myself with people who I hold close, I have certain possessions which give me pleasure and solace, I live in a society that is safe and offers a certain amount of freedom. I am not 100% certain what will continue to exist on my death although I do harbour a belief that my consciousness will survive , that my memories/mental images that I have collected along the way will be there but I also accept that they will be hidden under a cloud of amnesia as are the majority of the memories from my current life. My sense of morality, my will, my appreciation of beauty may also still be with me. What a simple but huge concept “me” is.
My conclusion? I still have a lot of work to do.
Saturday June 8, 2024
Here we are, back at Red Hill. Another crisp, cold and very bright winter morning. I’ve only got a few of these left before I return to the equatorial warmth of Bali.
I have to be at Sam Leung’s practise at 3 p.m, it’s now 9 a.m’ish so we have about 4 hours to get all of our tasks done before we leave. The shed needs new tarps to stop the moisture getting in and destroying out artworks, chances are that the prints are deteriorating in the cold but that’s OK. Better having a shed down here than at home.
I just noticed that I still tense up my body, hold on tight. I need to stay aware of this so I can allow myself to enjoy relaxing and letting go.
We have been watching a Japanese show on TV called Shogun, I first read the book which was written by James Clavell back in the early 80s. What I have observed is my reaction to seppuku, ritual suicide that Samurais used when they had created or caused dishonour for their lord. I personally consider that I could never do this, to knowingly take my own life for a so called greater cause or purpose.
Maybe I have done this in some earlier incarnation, but it wasn’t really me, maybe I have indelible impressions of others doing it ….. which leads me to the concept of the 5 aggregates in Buddhism which in my understanding are body, perceptions, mental images/memories, will and consciousness. This gives me a broader palette to work with when I ponder mortality and eternity. I am a combination of these aggregates. When I put my attention on each of them it is quite easy to see how that are all seperate parts of a whole.
My body is so obvious, it changes, it needs maintenance, grooming, care, I can feel it … look at it. My body also needs hard work to put the necessary stress on it in order to keep it in condition, something that I wish I had done more of when I was younger. Having said that I have had periods during my life when I was thoughtful of my body, thank goodness. The end result is acceptable but it could have been better if I had known and invested more time and effort throughout my life.
My perceptions are still with me, functional but starting to deteriorate. My sight is fine although I need to wear glasses when reading and writing, my hearing is good enough but I am sure it has deteriorated over the decades due to loud music and earphones, my smell seems to be working OK but I don’t always put my awareness on it and often take it for granted, my sense of touch is acceptable although my nervous system has been damaged by years of abuse. It really is remarkable when you put your attention on the senses, those magical “things” that allow you to communicate with the physical universe.
The mental images which I have stored away of different periods of my life are truly magical and remarkable. They serve to remind me of “who I am” or maybe more accurately who I was. They are images of cause and effect, images of my reactions to different stimuli throughout my current lifetime. It never ceases to amaze me that such a magical storehouse of images exist. I can close my eyes and watch them like a movie, drifting from year to year, decade to decade, person to person, experience to experience, belief to belief. I have never been the same person, I am constantly in flux. This leads me to wonder what it is that I am worried about losing when I ponder death. I exist in present time and always have. Even time is an illusion based on the changes that I perceive in my body, my senses, my memories. Having said that, my memories serve a purpose and as long as I do not get stuck in bad habits or fixed viewpoints they are an integral part of who I am.
Then of course there is my will, my ability to make a decision, create a goal and go for it. That which allows me to forge a path as opposed to being like a leaf blowing in the wind with no aims or goals. This allows me purpose and makes life seem worthwhile. My will is also magical, it isn’t me although it is created by me. There is first an impulse, then a decision and then action. Often the decision is made but the action doesn’t follow through. Something to ponder. What power or purpose gives some of us the strength to follow through on their decisions no matter what obstacles lay in their path, no matter how much pain and loss they might have to endure to achieve their goal?
Then of course there is the spark of light that seems to live in my head. This seems to be me and in some ways I can see that it is but when all of the above is taken into account there is still a great mystery that seems unanswered. Maybe there is no answer and that is what I should be looking at. Maybe I am on a quest to return to some state in which I once existed. Maybe it still exists but I can’t allow myself to see it because I do not want to forego the comforts and apparent security of my physical existence.
I still have a way to go on my road to understanding the nature of existence although I feel that I am inching closer.
Maybe the answer is that I do not need to understand, maybe I just need to accept.
Friday June 7, 2024
It looks like all of Georgie’s hard work is paying off with the Villa, it’s also peak season so one would expect the bookings to be coming hard and fast.
Today we are heading off to Red Hill but only for one night. On the way we are dropping into a solicitor’s office to do some wills, about bloody time. What goes into the wills is still under dispute but we will make that up as we go.
My Bali lists are coming along well. The main things that I need to get under control now are vitamins, supplements and extra stuff for the villa from home. One of my goals while we are in Bali this trip is to really get a move on in regard to the building of new villas, this may be easier said than done due to the lack of funds.
I believe that it’s time for me to explore meditation. I have to admit knowing little about the actual practise of meditation. I think that I am adding some mystical conundrums on top of the actual simplicity of what it is. I should have enough time to explore the finer details during my time in Bali.
What do I want to achieve in Bali during the next 4 months? Health, fitness, creativity, spiritual growth, new creative friendships, peace, tranquility. That’s a decent enough list.
Thursday June 6, 2024
I’ve got another meat order coming today. The overall cost is quite significant but I think that’s it is paying off having good quality steak to eat every day. Same goes for Bali, I don’t know if the quality is as good but I can get deliveries when I need them. If I can have a salad and a steak each day I’ll be doing well.
The countdown is on but we still have 10 days before we leave which if used well will give us enough time to get a lot done at home and get Finn prepared.
I’m still not back to my normal exuberant self, the dark cloud that has been hanging over me is still there albeit not quite as dark or dense for that matter, things are on the improve.
This may be the suffering that is referenced in Buddhism, the apparent meaningless of life. It is my job to make to most of what I have, make the most of each second of every day, self improvement physical, mental and spiritual, offerings to others in the form of care, inspiration and compassion.
My life is pretty much defined at this stage. I’m happy with what I’ve created although as I say time and time again I would love to have a bit more money. This will come as we need it.
Today I will have an ultrasound and an X-ray. The ultrasound is to check my abdomen for hernias and the X-ray is to check out whether there is actual structural damage to my knee joints. As well as this we have plans to go to the gym, walk and then drive to Red Hill for 2 nights until Saturday when I will visit my radiologist, Sam Leung in his Carlton rooms. I plan on visiting the Balian pretty much as soon as we arrive in Bali to see if there is anything that he can do to improve my knees and maybe the nerves in my feet.
The trick in Bali this time is going to be financial planning. Eating at home when possible, eating less, getting strong and healthy.
Wednesday June 5, 2024
The days of our lives are flying by. The days before we leave for Bali are also flying by. As usual I go into a panic as the departure time gets closer thinking about all of the little tasks that I need to do …. Vitamins, powders, packing, ending projects that are underway. Ultimately none of this matters as once my feet touch the ground I forget about Australia and all of the things that I didn’t get done. All that matters is people, family and their well being.
I am still inflicted with my sadness that has come upon me since arriving back from Japan. Maybe it was some subliminal trigger that set me off while I was there, maybe it’s my diet, maybe it’s the grey weather that greets me every morning, maybe it is the residual emotion from my lucid dreams. I don’t really know and that should be enough of a sign to just “out-create” the feeling of greyness and loss that has become my constant companion.
The first thing that I will do when I arrive in Bali is to change my sleep schedule and start getting up with the sunrise, heading off for a morning walk to get my attention out of my head and onto the beautiful environment that will surround me. I will also be giving up my Melbourne vice of eating cream every day which is sure too change something. I will go to the gym and have saunas almost every day and eat well.
I have organised a lunch for next Monday with my friends. I will cook up a storm. This was my solution to fit in seeing them while we are in our month’s transit in Australia.
Georgie just hit me with the news that we are going to be doing a will before we go to Bali. The reaction that spluttered out of my mouth was telling, it’s something that has terrified me for years, something that I haven’t confronted talking to Georgie about. The only thing that I personally care about is that I can leave something to Allissa. That is yet to be resolved.
Tuesday June 4, 2024
When a person who is diametrically opposed to me in their viewpoints puts forward a thought through, logical and reasoned argument it tends to challenge the habitual way of thinking that is ensconced in my own thoughts. It is good to be forced to get a touch of objectivity and perspective into one’s own fixed ideas. Ideas that are often groundless and that are based on something that you heard years ago that wasn’t questioned or pulled apart at the time but just taken on board because it sounded good or aligned with how I looked at life at a certain point in time.
It would be easy to call somebody conservative or right wing, intolerant or just plain mean and not listen to what they have to say a bit like a well studied atheist propounding their godless theories to a group of staunch Christians. This begs the question, who is the conservative one?
The one thing for sure about life is that the basis of all wise decisions is based on the survival and proliferation of the species. Unfortunately individual rights have to be subordinated in favour of the overall survival and well being of the group. This in no way implies that compassion, care, love and other such qualities do not have a place in the ongoing struggle to improve to chances of the survival of the species.
I’m getting in a bit deep here and stand a good chance of finding myself bogged down in murky waters is I will stop. My main point is that it is not wise to never challenge your viewpoints and at the same time to not be willing to consider the viewpoints of people with contrary viewpoints to what you believe are your own.
All learning and growth is built on what comes before, the foundations are important but not important enough to be ripped out and rebuilt if they are found to be weak.
Hi Flora It’s hard to believe that we’ve been home for 2 weeks. Finn has been working on a weight loss challenge and this is where most of my time and attention has been directed. He’s lost 16 kgs in the past 2 months and has just finished a walking challenge in a group that he’s hooked up with. He did about 650,000 steps in May and came first in the challenge. This also involved me spending a good part of my days walking with him and then trying to recover. It’s been full on to say the least. The days have whizzed by. We are heading back to Bali on June 17. I was thinking that it would be nice to put on a lunch with you, John, Trinidad and Mel before we go back. Not certain when but I was thinking that maybe we could do it one weekday before we go. Are there any days that work for you? I was thinking maybe next Monday at our place (for lunch) this works for us and also Mel and Trinidad.
Monday June 3, 2024
Allissa rang me at 9 a.m which forced me to get out of bed and wander around the house naked and in the cold, that’s one way of getting up and moving forward with the day. I feel that I may have risen above the darkness that overtook me yesterday. I wouldn’t want to stay in that space for too long. I think that today I need to eat very little. The anxiety is in my gut, it’s tangible, I can still feel the residual emotion that exists there this morning. I wonder what chakra is involved.
We have 2 weeks before we leave for Bali. This means that I have to buckle down and get serious about what needs to be done at home before we go so I can leave without too much attention on home.
Hi Kaye Finn has done the most amazing job over the past couple of months. I must admit that when he started the challenges that I had a certain amount of optimism but never in my wildest dreams would have thought that he would go on to lose 15 kgs (so far) and walk over 600,000 steps in one month. I have to remind myself what an amazing job that he is doing and hopefully will continue to do. Thank you for your support. I still have to pay you back the balance of the money you loaned toward the challenge and I will do this. It’s been a bit of a challenge (financially) for the past couple of months especially with Japan and now that I’m buying all of the meat for him (and us). Hopefully my finances will loosen up when we arrive in Bali and some “miracles” will happen as they do from time to time.
Sunday June 2, 2024
After arriving back from Red Hill yesterday at around 3.30 I had a bath in which I promptly fell asleep until about 4.45 pm when I got out and then got dressed to go out to a concert with Georgie, Mark and Brenda, proceeded by a light meal at Rococcos in Acland St StKilda. Apart from all of the driving and the cold weather we had a good night. The concert was at The National Theatre in Barclay St, StKilda, a venue that I’ve driven past all of my life but have never been inside ( as far as I can recall). The artist performing was an American blues singer and guitarist named Eric Bibb. Good but not great, some beautiful blues guitar and a silky voice, having said that he sat on a huge stage with 3 guitars and a microphone and thoroughly entertained a large audience of alternative boomers.
Mark still has prostrate cancer and is doing certain protocols that are obviously helping but overall I reckon that he could be doing more. I practised restraint in my advice only touching on the subject of his health very briefly.
We are entering a new phase for Finn in his weight loss adventure. He’s still keen, when we got home last night and were about to go to sleep he came into our bedroom and proudly announced that his weight had gone below 107 kgs. We had a rest day yesterday to celebrate the end of his walking challenge, today is a brand new day and it’s hopefully on again. I’m hoping that we can walk to the gym, do a workout and then do another walk a bit later. We slept in a bit due to hitting the sack late as well as the cold house first thing in the morning. WE will be back in Bali in 2 weeks so cold will no longer be part of the equation.
Nothing much else to write about, confront or work out. Life is pretty good with no looming issues.
Saturday June 1, 2024
Yes, it’s a cold morning at Red Hill to celebrate the arrival of my 73rd winter. We all woke at 7 a.m and are about to embark upon a morning at The Peninsula Hot Springs. What a perfect dichotomy. Fire and Ice to celebrate the start of winter.
The time at Red Hill has been surprisingly pleasant. We’ve done some serious walking and it looks like Finn has come Numero Uno in his walking challenge. We’ve got heaters blaring and fires roaring as we prepare ourselves for the 30 minute drive to Rye.
It looks like we will have to come back to Red Hill before we leave for Bali which is OK, it’s only a 60 minute drive from home.
Friday May 31, 2024
Winter starts tomorrow. Finn and I got a taste of the inclement weather when we walked from Red Hill to Dromana late yesterday afternoon in the sleet which while it didn’t drench us made the front of our clothing pretty damn wet. Overall it didn’t really matter because we were in action. I ended up doing over 20,000 steps for the day.
Today is the last day of the challenge so today will end up being a big walking day for us.
I still have my crabby undercurrent going on like an ambient sheet of sound that blends into to a room not quite obviously but always there. Who knows what is going on. It feels like there is an underlying discontent that I am somehow creating, a weird desire to hit out and make others wrong. Not at all pleasant. Maybe I’m picking up some of Finn’s energy.
It’s sort of pleasant being in a new location after being hunkered down in our Mooroolbark house since our return from Japan almost two weeks ago.
Back to my niggly demeanour. I really have to work hard to rise above the petty bullshit that I am ‘feeling’. The problem that I’ve noticed is that negative emotion wraps you in what is like a somewhat comfortable cocoon that deludes you. I’ll escape from it’s insidious tentacles as soon as we get outside and start walking.
My Oura ring has just started recording my cardio vascular health. I still haven’t got a feel for the new metrics but it was a bit disappointing to discover that my heart health only appears to be 3 years younger that my biological age, so far it appears that my Vo2MAX is high but that is yet to be confirmed a bit later today.
I’m prattling on, writing meaningless words. This is a sign to stop.
We’ve just got back from our walk to Cape Schank, around 10 kms. I did my Vo2MAX test on the way and it came out in the peak range much to my pleasure. Looks like the hard work is paying off. So far today we have done 14,000 steps, we will walk to Dromana at 4,20 which should get the steps up to around 24,000. Now we can kick back for an hour or so and relax for a while in the warm living room at Red Hill.
Thursday May 30, 2024
Finn, Georgie and I are heading down to Red Hill later today until the middle of Saturday. It’s going to be all about walking because Finn has only 2 days of his walking challenge left. It looks like there is only one contender who has a chance of beating him, I am quite certain that he will be victorious. We’ll set off after our meat delivery, around 2.30 I hope. This means we will be walking around Mooroolbark this morning.
Should I be worrying about the new surge of press releases referencing WW3? The US is now pushing to openly use their weapons to attach Russia. There are insidious undercurrents going on here and a potential for nuclear bombs going off. Should I be worrying about lockdowns and such? Going to Bali at this point in time may be ideal based on all of this shit.
I am pretty happy with my research into spirituality. I have accepted that the current version of me will not survive death. My personality and existence as a human being is a combination of many factors which when fused create a composite which I am currently experiencing. I still haven’t got my head around the lack of ‘I’ but on the other hand I am quite confident that there is a consciousness and mental images that will continue on in the universe. I’m not quite ready for Nirvana just yet but knowing me I’ll probably kick myself when I finally discover what this state of being is. I’ve still got a lot of work to do physically, mentally and spiritually but I’m out from behind the 8 ball, I’m quite certain about that.
We are living in very weird times. The whole one world thing has finally reared it’s ugly head, the elite are completely out of hand and certainly do not have the interests of greater mankind at heart.
Wednesday May 29, 2024
My attention is on my body this morning, it’s weary, quite possibly because yesterday was a huge walking day (20,000 plus steps) as well as consuming far too much dairy and not eating enough protein and nutritious food. This brings me to a broader observation in relation 2 the 5 Buddhist aggregates.
As I was walking along yesterday with Finn I got a very clear and objective observational breakdown of the different components that make up what I call myself.
The most obvious being my body which through a series of miraculous actions grew from my father’s sperm and my mother’s egg utilising the genetic material that they passed on to me. This is the aggregate of the trillions of cells that together represent my body, they depend on me to exercise, supply nutrition, oxygen and countless other bits and pieces in order to perform their duties and then to die and regenerate. A miracle in any terms. But this is only a part of what culminates in me, albeit the main symbol that others associate with Gary Collier.
The next thing that I became aware of was my senses. Those miraculous channels which connect me to the world around me, the people in it and the environment. It’s sights, sounds, smells, feelings, temperature, pressure et al. I could finally see that these powers were distinct from my body even though my body was the vehicle from which they functioned.
Then there was my own personal volition, my will to move, to push my body through the air, the invisible atmosphere that it exist in up small inclines , down again, turning corners, with some sort of destination in mind. I had made a decision to activate my body and move it to another point in the universe.
On top of all of this I was making mental images of the walk, some were light impressions while others were quite strong and detailed. They were images or mental pictures of my own experience, nothing all that exciting really but still I can look back on them now as I sit and write. I have no doubt that they are real, tangible and distinct to me.
The final component in this package or aggregate was and is my consciousness. The shining light that I consider to be me in the spiritual sense. Some say that this awareness of awareness unit is a static. I don’t fully understand what a stain is, it’s not nothing thats for sure but it does have to ability to put out points to view and to create a whole universe which is what I look at as Gary Collier’s Universe.
Now I can see a tiny bit more clearly how things go. In the teachings of Buddhism the Buddha states that the self will not go forth, that the parts that make the whole will scatter throughout the universe never to be re-united. That’s for sure because once this body is done with and burnt it will never exist again although it is constantly changing anyway and has been since the moment of my conception. Same goes for my perception channels, the ones I have now are unique but at the same time they have degraded as I have become older and are constantly in a state of flux. Even my consciousness and my will are ever changing which I will go into a bit later because my son is waiting for me to go for a walk.
I’m back from the walk.
This new broadened approach to looking at what makes up a human being has broadened my understanding and empathy already. I am grateful that I stumbled across a podcast a few days ago that helped me to broaden the scope of my observations of life. When I say that it gives me more empathy I mean that having this somewhat broader view point allows me to be what I have called pan-determined, by this I mean simply being able to experience what it might be like for the other person.
So having looked at all of that I now have the unenviable task of working out what being a static or zero means in terms of my spirituality.
Zero – the arithmetical symbol 0 or 0̸ denoting the absence of all magnitude or quantity.
Static – of or relating to bodies at rest or forces in equilibrium
I can’t say that I have a very comprehensive understanding right now. But I’m a few steps closer.
Tuesday May 28, 2024
A couple of Sundays ago while we were in Kyoto we came across a Sunday market outside a temple that we were about to visit. The first find was haoris.
The haori (羽織) is a traditional Japanese hip- or thigh-length jacket worn over a kimono. Resembling a shortened kimono with no overlapping front panels (okumi), the haori typically features a thinner collar than that of a kimono, and is sewn with the addition of two thin, triangular panels at either side seam. The haori is usually tied at the front with two short cords, known as haori himo, which attach to small loops sewn inside the garment.
We purchased 6 pieces which only cost us $5 each, what a find that was. I then wandered across to another stand that was still setting up which had various bits and pieces where I spotted a Japanese Ukiyo-e woodblock print that looked fantastic to me. I had no idea whether it was genuine , antique or any of the things that one would hope but there was something about it that really appealed to my sense of aesthetics even though it had hardly any colour. Last night I pulled it out because I had thought that it might be by an artist named Eisen so I looked at the files in my Dropbox and there it was, not Eisen but Kobe Hunman (1757-1820). The plates were created circa 1786-1788. It is called The Ide Jewel River, a woodblock print, from a six sheet set ‘The Six Jewel Rivers’ … Mu Tamagawa showing 2 elegantly dressed young women and a handsome youth wade across the Ide jewel River in Yamashirio Province, present day Kyoto, surrounded by hills and flowering yamabuki. A servant gathers their shoes.
Other eventful moments in my life came late yesterday afternoon when I realized that I was constipated. Maybe this was due to me changing my diet significantly after my return from Japan, I’m not certain but whatever was inside me was stuck and had no intention of coming out, the next couple of hours were excruciating. I tried enemas but I was so blocked the water wouldn’t even go into my bowel, I tried a bath, I tried grunting, I tried anything and everything that I could think of and eventually, to my great relief I was able to expel a huge piece of excrement. By the time it came out I felt damaged, god knows what it must be like to give birth. The one positive experience that came out of it was the realisation and the actual phenomena of letting go, breathing out which apparently is what Nirvana means. Maybe I had a small moment of nirvana, sure felt that way.
Today I’m feeling a bit worse for wear after this unfortunate experience. I’ve got to get disciplined and drink more water and eat more fibre. I’ll take this experience as a sign.
Monday May 27, 2024
The jerk is still raving and ranting in my head. I’ve been a discontented, anxious and unhappy camper last week. Let’s see if I get grab the bull by the horns and get life under control this week.
Getting up to a very cold house doesn’t help, especially when you’ve just got back from beautiful spring weather in Japan.
We had to knock back a booking for Bali yesterday due to bad housekeeping on the AirBnB website, whether it was the right thing to do is another story but we did, then we fixed the prices. Just goes to show that taking things for granted doesn’t pay off, maybe you could also call it laziness.
Finn and I did 12,000 steps yesterday in the middle of the day. I was under the deluded idea that I had done 16,000. It’s time for me to return to the gym and get the resistance training going again. Georgie and I also had a sauna and cold plunge. That’s was about the full extent of our physical activity for the day.
I got an iMovie clip done featuring my music and some pics that I found of Japan, old and new with a few of our own family thrown in plus I got my personal webpage up to date.
Sunday May 26, 2024
The jerk in my head has become particularly active over the past fews days. Could it be that I am more in Finn’s orbit at the moment than Georgie’s. I’ll just need to be very observant over the coming hours and days to get a better grasp on what is happening. There has to be something that is contributing to this slew of critical thoughts.
The more I read about the views of Buddhism the more it makes sense, at the same time the more uncomfortable I become with this harsh reality of five aggregates coming together temporarily to form an individual.
five components ［五陰·五蘊］ ( pancha-skandha; go-on or go-un): Also, five components of life, five aggregates, or five skandhas. The five components are form, perception, conception, volition, and consciousness. Buddhism holds that these constituent elements unite temporarily to form an individual living being.
Together they also constitute one of the three realms of existence, the other two being the realm of beings and the realm of the environment. (1) Form means the physical aspect of life and includes the five sense organs—eyes, ears, nose, tongue, and body—with which one perceives the external world. (2) Perception is the function of receiving external information through the six sense organs (the five sense organs plus the “mind,” which integrates the impressions of the five senses). (3) Conception is the function of creating mental images and concepts out of what has been perceived. (4) Volition is the will that acts on the conception and motivates action. (5) Consciousness is the cognitive function of discernment that integrates the components of perception, conception, and volition. Form represents the physical aspect of life, while perception, conception, volition, and consciousness represent the spiritual aspect. Because the physical and spiritual aspects of life are inseparable, there can be no form without consciousness, and no consciousness without form. All life carries on its activities through the interaction of these five components. Their workings are colored by the karma one formed in previous lifetimes and at the same time create new karma.
This view is somewhat more complex than the one that I have embraced for most of my life which has been mind, body, spirit. I wont kid you, I have never looked at it from the viewpoint of these component parts coming together for a brief moment in time as clearly as I am right now. Maybe I’m just ready to take my confront of this to a new level.
The buddhist view adds subtleties that I haven’t taken into consideration in the past.
I once wrote something I called “The Three of Us” which made sense for me at that point.
Of course “form” is the most easy to understand. We wear this lumpy body for a number of years, it goes through constant change, we (as a species) look after it better at some times than others, we have come to some agreement on what constitutes a good looking, well formed body but essentially it is a vehicle in which we move around and more importantly which we use to interact to anything external to our consciousness. Yet, this body is constantly changing. My body as a baby, a young boy, a teenage boy, in my 20s throughout each decade went through many changes based on the normal progression of it’s growth and what I did (or didn’t do) with it or ingested into it. I am lucky to have all of my senses … sight, sound, hearing, smell, taste, although I have to admit at the dawn of my 8th decade there is a distinct deterioration, especially with my vision and hearing. I’m almost embarrassed to realise now that I have taken these perceptions for granted most of my life. What a miraculous thing they are without which “I” would not be connected to the outside world. There are other perceptions like the ability to feel the temperature of the environment around us, the pressure it places on our bodies and a myriad of other subtleties.
I never before differentiated between my mind and it’s ability to create mental images of my perceptions and experiences and to store them, the exact location of which I am not certain but I am certain that they do exist. These mental images have been an important cog in my spiritual journey and now I can see more clearly that they offer a distinct record of my experiences during this lifetime and potentially others. I can also see how the mental images of others can get mixed up with my own and the existence of bodiless, unaware sleeping or unconscious “life units” takes on a new light and also helps me make a more pragmatic connection to the conundrum of the increasing population on Planet Earth. In other lifetimes I of course would be a different person with a different body, with distinctly different perceptions and with a huge “soup” of mental images, who they belong to is questionable.
The 2 aggregates that I cannot get a grasp on are volition and consciousness, I cannot differentiate these 2 from me as an individual. Maybe there is something that with I am not seeing or am not willing to see. Volition seems to me to be a thought or stimulate that motivates action or decisions or creativity.
I obviously have a lot more pondering to do on the subjects of form, perception, conception, volatility and consciousness. I think I might have to leave this to another day.
Saturday May 25, 2024
We have been home for one week exactly. We arrived back win Melbourne at around 10.50 a.m last Saturday, pushed our bags to the long distance car park bus, hopped on and found the van which we drove back down the freeway to our home.
How has the first week gone? Mediocre, 50/50, not bad. Finns walking stats have gone down a bit which is understandable a) because it’s bloody cold and b) due to heel cracks. Diet is possibly about the same. I’ve been cooking with more carbs but not overdoing it. I’ve had 3 saunas, been to the gym once, walked a decent amount almost every day and got through most of my list. The house is relatively clean although I haven’t got into any of that big change, create mode that I was going to, my website is up to date and overall life is good.
Georgie and I leave for Bali in 23 days. The main thing that I can do is to continue to support Finn in his efforts to change his life for the better. He has lost 15 kgs through cutting back on his eating, drinking and no exercise habits. He’s walking an average of just under 20,000 steps a day and if all goes well and as planned he will win his challenge.
He has done amazingly well over the past 2 months in terms of weight loss, change of attitude, overall health and vitality. This needs to be celebrated.
I don’t have any great expectations for today. Walk, go to the gym, cook, write, do some work on my music. I am continuing my exploration of Buddhism which I admit makes more sense than almost any of the other theories of life and beyond. I haven’t really scratched the surface and cannot even begin to say that I understand the concepts that are expunged by Gautama but I’m happy to dig deeper and see what I can come up with. Overall I am so much happier not being part of an organised, structured religious group. Scientology became a parody of itself, I ultimately overstayed my welcome, dragged on my involvement for far too long. I still find some of the basic fundamentals helpful in everyday life and also don’t want to minimise the positive improvements that occurred during my years in the bubble but I have been able to make far more progress on my own, as an individual, exposing myself to all the information that I can get my hands on without being distracted by a philosophy that has stopped evolving.
I feel young, fit and generally full of energy. I look forward to experiences and adventures in the present and future, I very rarely get bored to wonder what I am going to do. I am content and my life is pretty much full of pleasantness. Sure, there are things that I should be doing, should be creating, should be working on but once again I will state that I believe that I am giving myself enough challenges and stress in order to grow and get stronger and possibly even wiser.
Having said that I do need to work on my crabbiness and lack of compassion in regard to Georgie. She is the person that I have chosen to spend most of my time with. I need to work on appreciating her more, creating our relationship and growing it.
Friday May 24, 2024
Cold again but after a strange night of being half awake I feel surprisingly refreshed. The highlight of my day yesterday was finding a couple of podcasts on the teachings of Gautama (Buddha), I’m not even going to pretend that I understood the concepts, as much as they align with what I already believe. It is by far the most feasible of all philosophies but as yet I have only scratched the surface and haven’t got a handle on it yet. In some ways this is the most important knowledge that I need to work on right now but from what I understand the karmic bank account is what it is and whatever will be will be.
On a much more positive note I listened to a few of my Japan music tracks late yesterday afternoon through my monitors. I’m really happy with it. I create music like I cook, instinctively. I sort of have a good ear for creating digital music. I have given up on playing the guitar for now, my fingers don’t really know what to do and what they do know is on automatic. My lack of musical learning, practise and study throughout my life has finally caught up with me. Having said that I am happy that I have new tools to pursue my interests in creating musically.
Thursday May 23, 2024
The morning is super cold, I had to stay asleep until 10 a.m to get 8 hours sleep, the house is freezing and I don’t have any inspiration to do much at all, oh and I finally got a haircut yesterday, close by actually down in Cardigan Rd of all places.
Today needs to be a list day. I’ve got a whole lot of bills to pay as well as communications to write, plans to make and things to wrap up. I went on 2 big walks yesterday, had a sauna which has overall been consistent since we have returned from Japan. I’ve been a bit crabby, a bit short tempered, a little lacking in compassion since we returned. Even insular, I haven’t really wanted to talk to anyone. It’s almost a week since we flew out of Japan, to be precise it’s a bit more than 5 days but it seems like a week. That should have given me time to re-adjust to being back home.
Money is still a looming problem. Our income has dried up for now, bookings at Villa Tusk are way down on last year even though the tourist numbers are apparently up in Bali, maybe they are all staying at the beach. I need to do some serious work getting the villa on new platforms, god knows why I haven’t been doing this. Maybe I’m just too lazy to commit myself. Doing an intelligent danger condition wouldn’t go astray at the moment.
I had planned to return to Melbourne full of inspiration to make our house look fabulous but as yet I haven’t really done anything much except walk, cook, watch Netflix and sleep.
Wednesday May 22, 2024
I have had a lifelong purpose to “Discover the meaning of being born as a human being”.
A sliding door moment happened when I was 10 years old that inspired me to start asking questions that have profoundly influenced me for the past 6 decades. Today, May 22, celebrates my mother’s birthday, she passed almost 7 years ago, I will never stop being grateful to her and my father for giving me the gift of experiencing this amazing experience of assuming the identity and consciousness of the ‘human being” that they named Gary Collier and then nurturing me through the first couple of decades of this life I am now living.
I often wonder what became of them. Whether they continued their journey or not.The same goes for my son Paul who passed 12 years ago. I am open to signs but to be honest, apart from a few gut feelings I have no idea what became of the life energy that animated them. There were times during this life when I thought that I recalled moments in some deep past where my mother’s “life” and my own crossed paths but to be frank, I lack certainty. To be honest for me it is what I would call a belief as opposed to something that I know with 100% certainty.
I am certain of one thing, my body and the bodies of the ones I love are subject to the laws of the physical universe and once they are no longer functional as vehicles for whatever it is that animates them they are transformed to some other form of energy that is part of this physical universe that we occupy. They serve their purpose and then are transformed.
The big fear that we all seem to have is the anticipated loss. The loss of our own consciousness, our memories, our ability to create some sort of effect on those around us, the chance that even if we are reincarnated that we will not remember and even if we do run into a “being” from an earlier life the chances of both of us recognising this are minimal. Imagine running into your “mum” who is now in a 7 year old body and trying to convince the child that they were once your mother. It just doesn’t work.
My conclusion is that if reincarnation is a thing you are on your own when the new cycle is initiated, it is a new beginning in which you have the potential to maybe learn some more lessons, to gain some more certainty.
Then there is the question of the increase in population. Based on actual current statistics there are always going to be more people being born than those dying. Who knows, maybe there are countless billions of disembodied “spirits”, for want of a better word, just biting at the bit for their turn to experience life in a body, to create memories, experience consciousness, to nurture and use the ability to create some sort of effect on others and their surroundings.
To experience their time to be born as a human being.
Tuesday May 21, 2024
Back in late 1962 I became enamoured with music after I first heard the instrumental track called Telstar by an English band named The Tornados. It was like the first time I fell in love and it was with a song, this “love” possibly manifested and sparked my one sided love affair with France Anne Stranad around the same time when I recited the words to “I’ve Told Every Little Star” over and over to myself as I lay in bed at night. I really had no idea what was being sparked in me but it felt good and a bit out of control. Why am I bringing all of this up? Well, an Australian crooner named Frank Ifield knocked Telstar of the top of the Top 40, it was as if my true love had been molested and I hated him for it. I just read in the online news that Frank Ifield had died, he was the same age as Kaye. It’s funny how these inconsequential moments stand out in life and can be remembered so many years down the track. It seems like a different lifetime.
I woke up this morning in a funk. I had some really unpleasant dreams which were so lucid that they affected me emotionally. The dreams to do with travel, abandonment, rejection and cats that I didn’t want to take responsibility for. I should just leave it at that and do my best to get over the residual emotion as quickly and effectively as possible. Being home has it’s pros and cons, I don’t sleep well here. Oh, I get the hours in but my HRV goes down and my deep sleep decreases. Maybe it’s the cream, maybe it’s the mould. Maybe, maybe, maybe!
Tomorrow will represent my Mum’s birthday. She would have been 98 years old. I miss her. She was my guardian angel when I was young, she did her job admirably, being there to guide me, protect me and look after me. She helped to make my childhood safe and special. I had no idea what it was like to be a parent until I became one. I had no understanding of what unconditional love was all about, what forgiveness was, all I wanted was for her to be there when I woke up and when I got home from school. My mum was the epitome of what a baby boomer’s Mum was in Australia in the 1950s and into the 1960s. There’s no need to go into shame, blame and regret over what I could have given her back later on in life. There’s no point in wishing she was still here to see me now that I am doing well mentally, spiritually and physically as a 72 year old. No matter what she would have still been my Mum. Happy Birthday dear Joyce.
Oh my, I’m being quite morose this morning. I feel like I have to keep writing to process my weird emotions, my strange feeling that I have to blame somebody else for the way I feel which has no relationship to the fact that there are absolutely no threats in my environment, nobody is after me, I don’t have any substantial problems or fears. The murkiness that I am experiencing is being fabricated by myself and possibly by my mind and has somehow made it’s way into the cells in my body. Maybe that’s what happens, the cells have their own emotions and when one gets pissed off or scared or whatever then the others in the immediate vicinity are affected and go into somer sort of agreement. A sort of viral cascade into a black hole. Emotions are designed to be a reaction to the immediate factors in one’s environment, they are a response, not some random feeling that you have no control over. Does that mean that one should be in a state of equilibrium when there are no threats, no external stimulations. Does that mean that one’s life force can be alloyed by uncontrolled thoughts and inappropriate emotions? It looks that way to me. The thing is to be grateful, appreciative. To embrace the life and consciousness that you have, that magic combination of factors that make up life and awareness.
Monday May 20, 2024
Japan is well and truly behind me for this point in time. We are home to a cold Melbourne Autumn after mainly beautiful warm days in Japan which made walking spectacularly easy. Finn made things go right yesterday and made it up to 20,000 steps, his determination is astounding. He’s losing significant amounts of weight but his stomach is still bulging which leads me to realise that I need to find out more info on what we can do to get rid of the apparent visceral fat that is still in his mid regions. Finn is having a harder time being back in Melbourne than any of us, maybe he has the travel bug, maybe he’s just realising what a restricted social experience that his Melbourne lifestyle is.
Oh my god, I was so tired and weary yesterday, even after over 8 hours sleep. Finn and I walked to Brice Ave and almost back, he called Georgie from the Cardigan Rd shops because his body was getting too hot! It was freezing out. Then I came back and sort of lingered, had a long bath while Georgie went to visit her Mum and generally didn’t do too much although I cooked several meals and worked on the music tracks that I made while I was in Japan.
I did really well on my airplane/transport challenge. I got at least 6 tracks to a completion point on planes and trains. There is still some production to get done but I’m happy with what I pulled off especially the aspect of creating music inspired by my experiences and locations.
It’s Monday, the weekend is over. I’ve slept in again having got sucked into a new show on Apple TV called Dark Matter which presents a tantalising take on reality which although it may be highly unlikely, it is still possible. My self discipline decreases when I’m at home. Talking about home, for the first time in ages I really appreciated our house when we returned on Saturday, apart From the musty smell that lingered probably from the mould that I reckon is lurking behind our walls. We have created a beautiful space full of interesting pieces, artwork, sculptures, furniture which reflects who we are in terms of aesthetics. I had plans to come back and turn the house into a Japanese “museum” but thats not really necessary although some “maintenance” wouldn’t go astray. I just looked at our alcove garden space and that definitely is a project that we need to pursue, a beautiful Japanese garden with Japanese maples and river stones will go really well in that location.
The one thing that seems to have dropped away is Georgie’s enthusiasm about building a new villa in Bali. I had seen this as a way to make money for ourselves but after our trip and buying the sauna we don’t have enough funds to get the project going. I just wish Kaye would get objective as the matriarch of the family and have the insight to share the funds that are sitting there doing nothing.
Finn and I walked to the gym and then did a 30 minutes workout to get back into the groove, then we walked back, that equated to almost 17,000 steps for me. He’s also well on target for his 20,000 steps for the day. I cant feel bad about what I’ve done today even though I have higher expectations.
This morning I noticed that I had received an e-mail from a lady whose daughter has a rare form of cancer, She has been knocked back by several alternative doctors due to their fears that the APRA will go after them if they discover that they are “helping” children. I totally understand their fears but this is a bad reflection on our medical community. These doctors should be applauded, not attacked.
Below is my response to her.
Hi Lisa I have just returned from Japan. I had been thinking about you. I was looking back through my emails and found the one you sent 3 weeks ago, I completely missed it. I’m so sorry. That’s bad news about your experiences with the doctors that you had put your hopes on. It’s such a bad sign of a society when doctors with good intentions are put into a state of fear by the authorities. It’s intolerable. I understand your concern but if I were you I would put together my own protocols based on your own research. The way I look at it your daughter’s biggest asset is her own immune system and her body’s own potential to heal itself. Did you talk to Miriam about if she can help yet? There is a group called The Charlie Foundation in the US that uses keto for childhood epilepsy but I think that they may have branched out a bit further to embrace other diseases …..
https://charliefoundation.org/about-the-charlie-foundation-for-ketogenic-therapies/#
This could be worth looking at. Also you still have HBOT to look at.
I am so far from being a doctor that it is not funny. Any of my recommendations are based simply on my own research from when I got diagnosed with cancer. I may have just been lucky but I know I am now a lot fitter and healthier than most men my age.
My advice to you is to really learn as much as you can about the ketogenic diet, it is often misunderstood but if you can do it successfully and get the results of high therapeutic ketosis and low blood sugar it has to do something positive. My other question is “Did you contact Malcolm at Oxymed?”, I wouldn’t worry about all of the negative stuff you found on the internet about him, it’s mainly fabricated and from my experience with him I believe it is misinformation. I would also get in touch with The Charlie Foundation and see if you can get any help from them.
The way I see it from what you wrote to me is that the doctors that could help you have been put into a state of fear of the mainstream authorities so you will have to put all your faith in yourself and what you can find out and apply to your little girl. That’s a horrible situation to be in but from what I know about you from our correspondence I believe that you have the fortitude to make things better.
Hi Tiffany Firstly, happy birthday in anticipation of your upcoming celebration. That’s quite a significant one, I recall when I turned 50 more than 2 decades ago! It was such a big deal.
Second things second. The villa will easily handle 6 people. There are 2 King Size Beds, plus a queen but also we have an outdoor daybed on the upstairs porch/bale so if somebody was willing to sleep there that would be a possible 7.
Purnami would look after you and clean and prepare the villa every day but she’ll need one day off each week. She could do breakfasts and other meals as well but this would be between you and her. We also have 2 massage tables on the downstairs outdoor porch/bale which makes it easy to get pampered, she can organize massages for you.
The 2 weeks would work in August, my daughter is coming in September so we’ll need the villa then. Georgie will return to Australia during August so I can go to ParQ and get a room there where I’ll be close to the gym and sauna, we already have bookings for 31/7-5/8 and 7th Aug until the 12th so you could book after that, if you choose to stay I will block out the AirBnB calendar for you. The cost of the villa is $450 per night plus we normally charge $20 for extra people over 2 guests, I am happy to forego this extra cost if you are staying for 2 weeks. AirBnB add an extra surcharge but this will not be applicable so you’ll save about $70 a day which they normally add to our cost of $450 US. As it’s high season we need to charge this amount as it keeps us going for the quieter times and we normally book out for the whole of August. Made will be available to drive you but once again this can be negotiated with him and Purnami directly. There is a new hotel across the road so we can get room prices for the “extra” guests for you if you like. If you would like to stay please let me know ASAP because now is when people start booking for the high season and there is no way I can cancel after they have booked as AirBnB will go crazy on us!
If you could let me know really soon either way I will take the appropriate action and then we can work out payments etc. I hope you understand Tiffany, this is our sole income source and we use the money to pay staff and also to cover our own living expenses. I know you will love staying at the villa. It is big, has lots of outdoor and indoor space, the pool is fabulous and it is close to everything. If you want some pictures I’ll send you some.
Sunday May 19, 2024
We are home, we have slept and we should be recovered. Theres only one problem, the house is freezing cold, almost unbearable. We have one electric Dyson heater and the gas central heating that we cant turn on because it’s so loud that it wakes Finn up. I didn’t wake up until 9.30 this morning and that was only because Allissa rang my phone which I didn’t answer because I was feeling far too dopey. I’m finally up, it’s 10.20 a.m. We are all going to need to go through a re-adjustment period being back in Melbourne. As I said yesterday the biggest challenge will be to keep up the walking with Finn. Yesterday ended up being a rest day so apart from anything else we will have a challenge today to get the steps up and running again. Funny thing was that I had a really weird dream last night about strange challenges of my own, not surprising seeing that I had over 3 hours REM sleep.
I’m going to assign myself some sort of danger condition in regard to living in our house. I’m not quite certain how I’m going to go about it but something has to change. I love our house but for one it’s really hard to get up in the morning because Georgie and Finn love sleeping in and I have to tip toe around like a field mouse, not make any noise and if it’s cold I also freeze because the heating isn’t on. My bloody hands are freezing even now. The other thing that needs addressing is the time that we go to bed. I need to get to sleep by 9.30 or so, 10 at the latest in order to wake up at 6 which will allow me to get up, have a coffee, write and then have a full day ahead of me. Some of the other things that need to be addressed in the Danger Condition are cooking, cleaning, exercise, gardening and general house maintenance, creative activities ….. the list goes on.
I am already pining for Japan. We really only scratched the surface but what I discovered I loved. I’m not going to kid myself, I haven’t got enough years left in my life to get really serious about it but I can go back and spend more time there, I can immerse myself in their culture by applying the Japanese aesthetic to our house and garden, art, cooking, manners, apparent calmness, philosophy.
Oh, I’ve just given myself a huge load!
Hi Lis Sorry about this morning. I was so tired after the overnight flight, only got 2 hours sleep, that I just unwittingly slept in, plus the house was cold! I’ll have to get used to that for the next 4 weeks. I already miss Japan, I’ve put on some Japanese music this morning to reminisce. Now for the re-adjustment to being back in Melbourne. What are you doing today?
Hi Flora We arrived back home early yesterday afternoon after a long sleepless overnight flight via Cairns. We were all tired and missing Japan. I fell in love with everything about Japan …. obviously. I even cooked a Japanese style meal when we arrived home and have Japanese music playing this morning. We moved around so much which gave us a great opportunity to sample lots of different cities and towns via the Shinkansen. I’m going to go back for sure. We are in Melbourne for 4 weeks, going to Bali on June 17. Give me a couple of days to re-aclimatize and we can get together, I’m looking forward to seeing you.
Saturday May 18, 2024
Horror of horrors, we are approaching Cairns and I have had only one hour and nine minutes sleep. I had planned to go straight to sleep on the plane but I started working on two music tracks and that was the end of that plan. Needles to say I don’t enjoy overnight flights. We still have another six hours left before we arrive in Melbourne and I saw as hell cannot imagine that Cairns Airport is going to have much to offer for our three hour layover.
Japan is now well and truly in the past, a pleasant memory that will fire me up with inspiration and projects to work on for the next four weeks.
The plane just landed. We are back in Australia. Now to navigate customs and get to the Domestic Terminal. It is 4.50 a.m in Australia. I’m thinking that once we get home I might go to bed for a few hours or at least have a hot bath, sauna and cold plunge.
It’s 6.50 a.m now, we are sitting on a Jetstar plane sitting on the runway in Cairns about to take off for Melbourne we we will re-unite with our van and head east. The seats are tiny. I’m wondering what’s going on with my claustrophobia, even though its not a new thing it seems to be getting worse. I must remember to always book extra legroom seats for future flights. So much for being so called OT.
I am always disappointed when I get back to Australia even though I strongly identify culturally as an Aussie. What I notice first is our lazy accent, our lack of classy dressing, the shitty food that is available in most places. We were once called The Lucky Country but I’m afraid that we have morphed into the mucky country. It doesn’t take all that long before I become acclimatised to being back home.
I didn’t find any trace of Paul in Japan. I don’t really know what I was expecting. If he did make it there and if he has a new body it is a wonderful place to spend a lifetime. I’m saying that a bit naively though because I see Japan through the eyes of a visitor who spends fleeting moments voyeuristically viewing the best thing possible not through the eyes of a Japanese person who lives in a very small space and works hard all day.
One of the very best things about the past 24 days is that I got to spend more time with Finn than I have in a long, long time. In some ways we have bonded more than ever and I have been able to comprehend and understand our relationship far more than I did before we left Melbourne 24 days ago. I’m lucky, he’s lucky, we have what could be considered a pretty good father/son relationship. His prospects for the future might be somewhat brighter,. Meeting Josh Evans in the sauna in Bali was in many ways quite magical. We were all in the right place at the right time which turned out to be very fortuitous as Finn has lost almost 14 kgs in the past 2 months and is well on the way to becoming fit and healthy even though there is still a lot more discipline and hard yards to travel. If I were to look back at the letter that I wrote to Josh when we were still in Bali I’m pretty certain that I would be pleasantly surprised at the progress that has been made in terms of the goals and hopes that I set out. I must admit that I am quite pleasantly surprised by the level of self discipline that Finn has applied to his life and habits. We now have another 4 weeks to cement the existing gains and take the journey to a new level. That in itself has been the highlight of 2024. I must apply patience and self control in regard to what happens next. Finn will do it on his own but I also need a plan in terms of guidance in regard to nutrition, grooming, cleanliness and orderliness and such.
What do I need to get done in the next 4 weeks.
- Daily walks with Finn
- Gym with Finn
- Re-organize the kitchen and establish some cooking protocols that will improve overall nutrition.
- Get back on the straight and narrow in regard to my own diet and health.
- Get the villa onto more rental platforms and find an app that will co-ordinate bookings.
- Explore the possibilities of a website/business marketing and selling Japanese reproduction prints that Finn and I can do together.
- Set up the house so bathing and grooming is easier and more efficient.
- Get my own personal sleep under control and back to 8 hours efficient sleep a night.
- Spend some quality time with Allissa.
I’m going to be busy getting all of this done before we leave for Bali in 4 weeks time.