What Would I Say To My Son, Paul Collier On His 40th Birthday – 19/9/1979

What would I say to Paul on his 40th birthday? 

Would he still be angry towards everyone, holding on to grudges, blaming others for the state his life was in? 

Would I still be a little bit scared of his anger? 

I can’t really answer those questions right now.

I once said to him “What’s it going to be like when I’m 70 and you are in your 40s, will I still need to support you?” Well that time would have been almost here.

Ten years ago Paul and I were in Siem Reap, Cambodia. We had a wonderful time together. Yes, his diabetes was a challenge, as it always was, but we had some wonderful adventures together with the help of our driver, Kim. Kim had grown up in a Cambodia haunted by the Khmer Rouge, he had been tortured, suffered hardships that I could never imagine but he held no grudges. He was a lovely guy and he really seemed to care for Paul.

Paul had just turned 30. We were there for his birthday. 

I held on to the hope that Paul’s life would come together and that he would find some sort of happiness. To be honest, I don’t really think I believed that he ever would but wow, wouldn’t it have been so fucking amazing if some magic happened and he discovered a bit of happiness and hope for the future.

I have a horrible feeling that he had started to give up by then. 

I didn’t want to believe that so I was in denial. 

It was damn lonely sometimes. Imagine being, or thinking that you are the only person in the whole world who was willing to be there for someone else, almost 100%. Imagine what it must have been like for Paul, knowing that I was willing to sacrifice almost anything to help him find some happiness and stability.

This took its toll on both of us. 

He loved me, but at the same time he seemed to want to hurt me and I’m sure he hated himself for having that effect on me. Maybe he blamed me for the shitty condition his life was in, his loneliness, his failing health. Maybe he resented me for not being able to keep our family together, for Allissa not being able to handle his craziness and volatility and for his fractured relationship with Melanie.

I can feel the emotion welling up in me just writing these words.

I think that deep down Paul knew in his heart that I could not sustain the needs that he placed on me. 

I think that he wanted to set me free.

He had said to me several times that he wasn’t scared of dying. I can’t imagine not being scared or at least feeling some trepidation about giving up all that I had created in the time I had lived. I often wonder what people mean when they say that they aren’t scared of dying. It’s such an unknown condition albeit an inevitable one. But one thing is for sure, you are going to be letting go of the people you love or rely on and all the things that you have created that might mean so much to you but so little to anyone else.

I learned that life is extraordinarily fragile, especially if you assign blame to others for the state you are in.

I travelled to Bangkok so many times, knowing that Paul needed to have me there. Maybe just so he could reassure himself that somebody loved him enough to give him unconditional love. I did it without any resentment or any expectations of getting something back for myself. I did it because it was my responsibility as a father and I did it because I probably partially blamed myself for his unhappiness but this really wasn’t a conscious consideration.

It would have been pointless saying any of this to Paul. All I could have done is hugged him tightly and said “ I love you”. He wasn’t the hugging type really, but I know he knew how much I loved him and I know he really appreciated me for the love I gave him and for just being me.

So it looks like I have just answered my question ….. “ What would I have said to Paul on his 40th birthday.”

I would have hugged him and held him tight and I would have told him that he had my unconditional love.

How many other parents are out there right now grappling with the same questions. Questions that parents ask themselves about what is expected of them?