Phoenix Rising … better late than never
As early as 500 B.C., legends decreed that the ancient mythical creature, the phoenix, a legendary bird, would live for 500 years. Near the end of its life, the phoenix would build a funeral pyre for itself, and as it began to die, it would lay down on the wood and burst into flames, consumed by the fire.
Immediately the phoenix would re-emerge, renewed from the purifying ashes, more beautiful and regal than before, and live for another 500 years until the process would repeat perpetually. The symbolism of the phoenix, is legendary.
On my afternoon walk yesterday I listened to Russel Brand talking about his 19 years of sobriety which led me to taking a look at my own journey with drugs and alcohol.
The last drink I had was on February 14 2019 which means that soon after my 70th birthday it will be 3 years of total abstinence.
I gave up a bit late in life, stopping the self destruction was due to necessity and fear, I was probably on the road to an early demise. It’s not that I hadn’t tried to stop many, many times. I even gave up on New Years Day 2019 for what I thought was the last time but fell off the wagon 2 weeks later in mid January 2019.
Then I stopped. Cold turkey.
I have to wonder out aloud what might have happened if I had gone to A.A years earlier. What stopped me? Was it the stigma of admitting publicly that I was an alcoholic? Was it the intense emotional upheaval that I experienced with Paul (my son) throughout the first 12 years of the new millennium?
Do I really need to analyse this now that I have come through the other end of the tunnel? Probably not. I can’t see myself drinking ever again. I would be a fool to put a drink to my lips. I treasure the clarity that sobriety affords me. I relish the good health that I have once again lavished on myself after years of self abuse.
I drank to give myself a sense of self worth. Sounds crazy now but when it was happening I felt a bit like Popeye must have felt when he ate his spinach. I believed that I could think better thoughts, be more creative. I somehow had more self esteem but I now know that this was all an illusion. I drank to sleep. I continuously justified knocking it back and then facing the hangover the next morning. My drinking was self inflicted, it was pointless and it was more than likely what precipitated me ending up with cancer one year ago.
I can talk about my addiction freely now. I have no qualms about telling total strangers that I was an alcoholic, even going into the details of my drinking habits, justifications and the effects that it had on my ravaged body.
I’m not embarrassed. I don’t even have any huge regrets although if I am honest with myself I do regret the pain that I put my family through. I wasn’t an obnoxious drunk, I was a quite one. I didn’t get aggressive, I simply went into my shell.Alcohol seemed to turn off the noise around me but at the same time it robbed me of years of pleasure, years of good health and activity, years of mental clarity.
My poor body was constantly being poisoned. Like putting toxic fuel in a car. The potential efficiency of my body waned as did I, spiritually.
It’s over now. I did it on my own, without anyone’s help. I kept the transition to myself and didn’t even really talk about it until I was well underway into my recovery and could once again trust myself to be self disciplined and strong and true to myself.
Looking back into the dark times I have to admit that I never thought that I could give up. I tried so many times only to fall off the wagon after days, sometimes weeks, sometimes months.
I would love to help others escape from their addictions but I can’t do it one on one. It has to be part of an overall plan.
The project is to create a platform that can inspire older people to overcome addiction, restore health and actually undo the harm that has been done by the self abuse, to prove to people afflicted with addictions that the body has the capability to heal itself and that life is truly amazing and wonderful if you only use self discipline and knowledge to drag yourself out of the hole that you dug. To actively create a longer and healthier life even if it means painfully rising from the ashes of your past indiscretions.
At my age the beauty of this re-birth is that every moment becomes intensely valuable and rewarding. You get a chance to be curious, full of wonder, to relax when you choose to and to push yourself when that is appropriate. You get a chance to explore your own capacity to be creative in whatever field you choose. You get a chance to review what life is about and to look back on all of your past experiences if you choose to do so.
It is really very special and within the grasp of everyone, especially those of us who have the luck to live in some sort of financial security and political and social security.
As early as 500 B.C., legends decreed that the ancient mythical creature, the phoenix, a legendary bird, would live for 500 years. Near the end of its life, the phoenix would build a funeral pyre for itself, and as it began to die, it would lay down on the wood and burst into flames, consumed by the fire.
Immediately the phoenix would re-emerge, renewed from the purifying ashes, more beautiful and regal than before, and live for another 500 years until the process would repeat perpetually. The symbolism of the phoenix, is legendary.
