Eulogy to my Son, Paul – March 2012

My son Paul passed away on March 16th 2012. He was 32 years old. His funeral was held in Bangkok at a Buddhist Monastery over 5 days. He was cremated and his ashes were placed in the Chao Praya River which runs through the heart of Bangkok. We held a Memorial Service at Monsalvat in Melbourne about a week later for family and friends.

This is the Eulogy I gave for Paul at the Memorial Service.

Today we had a beautiful memorial for my son, Paul Collier at beautiful Montsalvat in Melbourne.I’d like to share the Eulogy I wrote with whoever wants to read it.

Thank you for coming today to farewell Paul.The images on the screen to my left are of the art that Paul dealt with, his artist friends and pictures from our travels.You are among the many friends Paul has made from all around the planet throughout his life, or maybe you came to support us today, if so thank you.Before I start talking about Paul and his life I would like to share a bit about our journey over the past 13 days. Paul was very much part of this journey.To call it a journey is a huge understatement; it has been more like an epic odyssey.There have been tears, arguments, laughter, loss, love, friendship, frustration, acceptance, anger, fulfillment and every other emotion and state of existence possible.It has involved amazing strength and support from family and friends spanning thousands of miles and cultural differences. Time and motion have taken on a new meaning and most importantly it has given me hope and trust in the goodness of people everywhere on our earth.When I first discovered Paul had passed away on Friday 2 weeks ago it was like being slapped in the face and licked clean of all feelings but from somewhere I felt a wave of strength envelop me as if Paul had grabbed me just hard enough to allow me to function and do what I had to get done.Somehow he helped me accept the truth of what had happened even though I wanted to pretend that it wasn’t true and from that point onwards there has been one miracle after another leading to the end result of Paul being able to move forward to a new future unhindered by regret or pain as opposed to sinking into an anarchy of grief and blame.Each step on this odyssey has taught somebody something and made someone stronger.Paul passed away while living in Bangkok. He loved Asia since he was a child and had made it his home.Melanie, Allissa and I flew to Thailand on the Sunday night.On our first day in Thailand we knew that we had to do this properly for Paul. Circumstances led to Allissa and I realizing simultaneously that a Buddhist Funeral Service would be best for Paul. This was the right choice. Melanie agreed.Paul’s 2 dearest friends came to us that morning and as soon as we told them we wanted a Thai Buddhist Funeral they got over their grief and started planning a send off fit for a king.At this point I need to explain that in Thailand death is looked upon in a different light that in the West. This is not to say that there is no grief and loss, there is. But Death is inevitable and once this is accepted then something can then be done to help the person to have a smooth transition into their new life. A guided transition as opposed to a lonely confused one that may end up with the person being lost and dumbfounded.A Thai Buddhist Funeral Service goes for 3-7 days in which time monks say prayers and chants that help to reassure the person and guide them through any travail they may be experiencing. I won’t go into the details today but it is well worth googling to learn about the steps.Each step prepares the person and their loved ones for the next step so that there aren’t any huge slaps in the face along the way.I know from my heart that this made it easier for Paul and it certainly did for Melanie, Allissa and myself.Paul’s ceremony was held in a private chapel at Wat Samianaree, one of Bangkok’s most famous Buddhist Temples. It spanned 5 days. We were humbled by the love and respect that Paul’s friends bestowed upon him. One westerner who attended said to us that he had never been to a “westerner’s” funeral attended by so many Thais. They brought wreaths and gave money to help us pay the temple. We were honoured.These were people who Paul had shared his life with over the past decade, people who he had worked with, had fun with, done business with, talked with, drank with, played music with, danced with, argued with and loved. People he had helped and those who had helped him in return. There were many tears but what they really wanted more than anything was for Paul to be prepared for and happy in his next life.By Thursday, the day Paul’s body was cremated Melanie, Allissa and I had all experienced a “strong concept” that Paul had been able to shed his accumulated baggage and been able to causatively let go of this lifetime’s ties and be ready to start something new without restraint.If anyone here today has any questions about Paul’s Buddhist Funeral in regard to the finer details I would be honoured to answer them after his Memorial today.On Friday morning we cast Paul’s ashes into the Chao Praya River about 40 kms north of Bangkok in front of a huge glistening gold Buddha and we were able to part ways, sadly but stronger in the knowledge that Paul was now at peace with himself and ready to continue his journey. To end of the memorial today I’m going to play a slideshow that will share our experience in Bangkok.We have brought some ashes back to Australia because we knew Paul would want this.There will also be a memorial plaque in one of the walls at Wat Samianaree to honour Paul’s memory, normally some of the ashes are kept in the wall but we didn’t want Paul to feel trapped in any way.This experience had a profound effect on the three of us. In the days, weeks and months to come we will discover how we deal with not having Paul in out lives. At no point was this easy for us but there was control and direction, acceptance and a great deal of love.“We The Living” are left to ponder and work out for ourselves what we believe happens when our loved ones or we ourselves die. I don’t believe you can be told what to think.I’ve been trying to work it out since I was 10 years old. What I’ve worked out for myself is if I am dead and I know I’m dead then things will be going as planned and I’ll be fine. If I don’t know I’m dead then I’m in big trouble.Paul was born on September 19^th 1979. Melanie was 20 and I was 27. Paul was born in our home in Alma Rd, North Caulfield. It was a busy, chaotic morning with lots of drama and adventure, a bit like what was to come for Paul. We lived in a share house with several other people. When Paul was born all of our friends arrived to greet him, they stood in a line to say hello and when they left Mel and I looked at each other and said, “What do We Do Now?”Paul was the first grandchild of my parents, Joyce and George. ….. who I thank today from the bottom of my heart for all they did for Paul throughout his life. Their support was huge. Paul loved them both with all his heart. Paul never met Mel’s parents, they had passed away before he was born.My sister Helen was 10 years younger than me and she was still living at home while Paul was growing up and in many ways she was like Paul’s big sister. They always had a very unique relationship full of love and fireworks. My sister Lynette also played a big part in Paul’s earlier years.Back then we called him “Paulie”. My Mum and Dad still do.Paul was a beautiful young boy with cascading golden curls who wandered around the backyard in Hartwell wearing gumboots and nothing else much of the time, getting up to mischief and running away from our pet goat Mr Winkle.4 days before Paul turned 2 Allissa was born. We had a Bona Fide “Nuclear Family”. In 1983 the four of us went to Bali for the first time. Back then Bali was not the tourist destination that it is today. In Ubud there were no made roads, no electricity and no running water. Paul’s love of exotic places had begun. One day we went to a cremation. Paul looked at us and said “I’m going to live here one day.”In 1983 we moved to the Dandenong Ranges. On the first day we moved in I took Paul and Allissa for a walk in the forest. After an hour Paul started asking me “Dad, are we lost?” “No son, were just on an adventure!” was my answer. Four hours later we got to the other side of Sherbrooke Forest. Maybe this instllled a sense of adventure into him.As the years went by Paul and Allissa had a very close relationship, they spent most of their time together. Paul loved going to Shepparton with my Mum to visit his relatives up there. They’d shoot off together in my mum’s car, just the 2 of them.When Paul was 8 years old he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, this changed Paul’s life as it changed all of our lives. Type 1 Diabetes is an insidious disease that is little understood by those that it does not touch. Paul gave himself 4 insulin injections every day for 24 years. He was so brave. I appeal to all of you here today to find out as much as you can about the symptoms and complications of this nasty master.Diabetes didn’t stop Paul from living a full life. He loved a fierce game of tennis, he started developing an interest in music, which became a lifelong passion and we continued to travel when we could.The transition from boy into teenager came abruptly. We converted our garage into his living space and he had a private world all of his own. I remember with a bit of embarrassment the first time Paul had friends around overnight. I made breakfast for them all, boys and girls and took it out and realized that this was now his space and that I couldn’t really intrude in.Paul’s bungalow morphed into the hangout for a lot of the teenagers in Camberwell. Eventually our house became the headquarters. It was comforting for me to know that Paul and Allissa had a space that they could feel comfortable in. Paul and Allissa didn’t exclude me from their teenage years, their friends talked to me and we did things together. I was grateful to them for this.Paul lived in America for almost a year between 1997-1998. He spent most of his time in San Francisco. This was a huge adventure for him. He went to some great concerts and lived life to the full.Later in 1998 Paul and I spent 2 weeks together in Bali in a small villa overlooking the Ayung River. We got to know a lot more about each other during this time.This is a diary entry from this trip. “Talking to Paul tonight has made me realize that I haven’t really talked to Paul in the past. He said to me that I am the one person in the whole world that he enjoys talking to most. What a significant moment for me. He meant what he said and now I have a responsibility that I hadn’t fully realized before. What is it that elicits this response from the people who I really love? Does it mean that I’m not so bad after all? YES IT DOES! It’s what I want, these moments are the ones that repay everything that I’ve given or done for others.These moments are like the ripples that form when you throw a rock into a pond, moving outward to influence whatever else exists. These moments mean more than life to me, these moments are life!”In 2000 2 significant things happened. Finn was born and Paul turned 21. Paul and I travelled to Barcelona in September to meet Allissa. Paul then went to Amsterdam for another adventure while Allissa and I made a lighting trip to Morocco. We all met in Paris to celebrate Paul’s 21^st. On the way to Europe we had a stopover in Bangkok. Paul fell in love instantly. This was the start of something that would change Paul’s life.Moving around the world and immersing ourselves in other cultures has been a big thing in our family. In late 2001 Paul decided to take a 2 week trip to revisit Bangkok, he ended up staying for 2 years. He lived in Chiang Mai, in Northern Thailand for about 6 months but most of his time he lived in Bangkok. He almost became famous. People would come up to him a decade later and greet him. “Hi Paul”. Sometimes he remembered them sometimes not, but they certainly remembered him. During this time Paul started learning how to speak Thai. He would write down words and practise them until he had them down pat. He wouldn’t use a word until he knew he could say it perfectly. This says a lot about Paul.Paul returned to Melbourne in late 2003 and stayed for 4 years. Unfortunately this wasn’t a happy time. He lived with Georgie, Finn and me and later in North Carlton. But Melbourne wasn’t his home.In January 2007 Allissa and I were on our way home from a trip to Vietnam. We went to Bangkok looking for an artist named Kitti Narod. Miraculously we found him. Kitti is now a dear friend of the family and he became a close friend of Paul’s. At the end of this talk I will play you a tribute to Paul that Kitti painstakingly put together last week. Kitti also did the portrait of Paul that is in this room. I would love you to write a message to Paul on it before you leave today. Some of Paul’s Thai friends have already done this.I soon established strong bonds with a group of young Thai artists who are now an integral part of Tusk Gallery. Paul moved back to Bangkok in late 2007 and we started a small Gallery together, which he ran. He was my strongest link to the artists and he helped build a strong and lasting relationship between Tusk Gallery and these brilliant artists, some who are now world famous. Many of them came to pay their respects to Paul in Bangkok last week.Paul lived in Bangkok for the past 5 years. He was very respectful of Thai culture and had continued to improve his command of the language to the point where he would receive many compliments from Thai people about how precisely he spoke. I was proud of this.I tried to visit every 6 weeks. We spent quality time together. Paul knew where the best food was, sometimes on the street and sometimes in wonderful restaurants we always ate like kings when I was there. We travelled throughout South East Asia and visited Angkor Wat amongst other fabulous places, discovering new things, taking photos together and meeting new friends.Paul’s last trip was Hanoi in December last year.I loved when Paul and I were together. Just the 2 of us. We had a very intense relationship that transcended being Father and Son. I was with him when he had hypos, many times, my heart bled for him. Maybe we have been travelling together in earlier lifetimes….I think so.I found another diary entry from quite a while ago that says a lot about our bond.“Last night I made the comment that being with Paul is like being on a wave.It’s calm for a while, then the wave starts building, building, building.First off you don’t notice what is happening and you have a false sense of security….. life seems quite comfortable and safe. The inclination of the wave is so gentle that you don’t notice it building up. Then before you know it you realize that you are on it and can’t get off, no matter what. You are up on the wave  and the only way to get off it is to jump and crash down.So bit by bit it builds, life becomes more and more dreamlike, what you considered to be real only a few minutes ago becomes exaggerated, sort of like a cartoon. Like taking a tab of acid and then wishing you didn’t but not being able to stop it.Then the wave takes over. It is everywhere. It is all you are aware of ……. IT IS KING!All you can do is to resign yourself to where you are, somehow you decided to be there in the first place so you have to take responsibility for it …….. SHIT!!!The wave starts cresting and you get a peak over the edge …… damn it, it’s a long way down and god knows what the rocks are like under the surface. You just take a deep breath and realize that this isn’t going to kill you, it’s just one of life’s adventures. Maybe if you are smart you will come out the other side stronger, braver and wiser.He always apologizes, somehow he knows what happens is not OK, even then you still feel that somehow you were responsible for what just happened. I always have some weird desire to make up, to reconcile, to make things right again.It’s lucky that this wave is MY SON because I can’t imagine riding it if It wasn’t.”One week ago my son Paul was someone who I was trying to help and worrying about. Now he has become my teacher.Paul has taught me how to be stronger than I ever thought possible, how to accept reality, how not to feel sorry for myself, how to stay in the present when blocking it out may have seemed preferable. Paul has truly taught me that the only way to live life is to look it in the eyes and handle what is right in front of you. He has taught me how to be more courageous than I ever thought I was capable of.He has taught me how to talk to my daughter, Allissa, I mean really talk…..and more importantly, listen. Listen without defending myself or trying to make excuses. But I must admit that I’m still working on improving this one. Paul has helped me come closer to Allissa than I have ever been since she was a baby.Paul has helped me realise that there are many people who love and respect me and he has also helped me realize that I looked at him through eyes coloured by what I was giving to him as opposed to what he had given to me and others.He has taught me how to put myself in the other persons shoes and he has made it possible for me to accept help from others. Something that I have always had great difficulty with.Paul has taught me that what matters are people, whether they are family, friends or even strangers.And most importantly Paul has given me a very powerful insight into my existence, my life and in my eternity and all the implications that go with that.What a magnificent gift Paul has given me.And to make this even more significant and powerful, I may not have been aware of these gifts if Allissa and Melanie hadn’t of realised Paul’s true purpose before I did.This was part of the magic of the past two weeks.His life has not been wasted, he has given me more strength and wisdom than I ever thought possible. I know Allissa has also had many epiphanies and is far stronger for them. Paul came into my life to give me strength, tolerance, courage, wisdom and a reason to move forward into the future.Paul left my life on March 16 having achieved his purpose. Thank you my son.Thank you from my heart. I will miss our unique friendship, I will miss walking new roads with you, I will miss sharing meals with you, I will miss you telling me about some great new music, you always found it first. I will miss you every day but I will continue to live life to the fullest, in your honour.Advertisements

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