Father’s Day 2021 : Lockdown

I have never read a book on how to be a father. It’s been trial and error, maybe sometimes more error than trial. I became a father 42 years ago but I don’t remember ever setting a goal or defining what being a father meant to me. 

The one thing that I had a need for was open communication or my version of it anyway. It’s been there to a greater or lesser degree with all of my 3 children.

I haven’t been the best father in the world and at the same time I haven’t been the worst. I could have been a far better teacher but that isn’t part of my skillset. I could have tried harder to keep the family unified but even my best efforts didn’t pay off. I may have offered a bit of inspiration as far as my attitude towards life, spirituality and relationships but there again I’m not all that certain.

But having said all of that I do believe that I have been a friend, a listener, a compassionate ear and that I have attempted to be there for my children when they needed me. Maybe not 100% but as much as had been possible for me.

It’s the one part of life that I would re-visit. I often say that I wouldn’t change anything but now for the first time I have become aware that I would go back to be a better father. A more present father. A more tolerant and patient father and a father who was more willing and able to share his knowledge.

I’ve never really looked at this before but right or wrong I think I may have stopped being a father in 1995, the year that Melanie left. By then my own demons were taking over and I had started drinking more and more, on and off. I also had to re-invent myself which could have been a bit selfish at times.

Anyway, it’s Father’s Day a bit more than 4 decades after I first took win that role. I miss my own Dad and I regret that I didn’t try to scratch the surface a bit more and be there for him as an individual. I’m pretty certain that he had far more going on in his head than I could have ever imagined. I miss my oldest son whose life was cut short and who was cheated by his poor health and the circumstances of our family breaking up. Could I have been a better father to him? God knows I tried so fucking hard. I was almost willing to give up everything to be there for him.

Blame and regret are pretty useless. There is absolutely nothing I can do now to change what has gone before. There is only now and the future and I have enough of a job to do in that sense to not dwell on what could have been.

Both of my children will need me to a greater or lesser degree for as long as I live.