Responsibility for Others

Every day brings a new challenge.

I’ve got my body into nutritional ketosis. How do I know this? I’m doing daily glucose and ketone blood tests and the figures tell me what;’s happening plus I have found a calculator online to work out what my GKI (Glucose Ketone Index) is. Yesterday it was 1.9 which is pretty good as I need to keep it under 3. I am getting all the nutrition that I need but have cut down on calories. I haven’t been hungry at all and feel bright, energetic, focused and in control.

One thing that I hadn’t taken into consideration is the responsibility that I have towards others. I finally decided to let my sisters know yesterday. I had been holding out as I didn’t want to throw a spanner in the works before Christmas. After getting the test dates came back late this week I re-considered and put together a message that I hoped wouldn’t be too harsh and shocking.

Here’s what I wrote.

“Hi to you guys. I’m sending this as a text because it’s easier for me to do. Sorry if it’s upsetting.

I had an enlarged lymph node on my neck that was discovered by an ultrasound when I was having tests for my dizzy spells. I finally got the results of a biopsy that I had done on the lymph node recently (November 24). I was holding out saying anything until I got more info but I reckon it’s time to let you know.

The results weren’t great and it appears that I have some malignancy in this lymph gland and the features are consistent with “squamous cell carcinoma” which can be either a skin cancer or a cancer of the digestive tract, more than likely the latter as I haven’t any signs of skin cancer. 

Anyway, it’s early days and the next step is MRI (Tuesday), PET scan (Wednesday) and a meeting with the head and neck oncology team at Monash (Thursday).  I was very lucky to find a surgeon who has helped fast track everything. Ironically most of the tests and meetings are happening in East Bentleigh! 

No need to freak out yet. I have told Allissa but have not told Finn yet. Georgie is handling things well.

I am feeling healthier than I have in 20 years. Actually I feel great. I’m eating really, really well. Sleeping well. Doing lots of very long walks and generally doing anything that is going to make my body fight whatever is happening. 

You know me when I get extreme.

Based on the information that I have so far I may have to have surgery and then possibly radiation therapy but I will augment this with other natural therapies as is appropriate and with the guidance of the oncologist. This will be clearer after the test results are back. My main goal is to keep my body as healthy and strong as possible to combat any effects that may happen depending on the extent and what treatment I will need.

I really don’t feel like I’m going to die just yet (but anything is possible). I feel very positive and it’s not getting me down. I’m sorry for this shitty news. If you want to ring me it’s fine or send texts, whatever you feel comfortable with. If you ring maybe you could do it tomorrow but whatever. I’m around.

Love you both and I promise that I will do whatever is humanly possible to get through this and live a long, happy and healthy life. It’s up to you whether you tell your kids but I reckon you should consider getting through Christmas first.”

The thing is that the well being of those who care for you is tremendously important to the overall situation. If they are feeling positive, loved, appreciated, listened to, the end result is not only them feeling better about what’s happening but conversely it will rub off on me as well. 

There is no room for conflict when you have a life threatening illness. Stress is one of the drivers of cancer growth. Cortisol levels rise, blood glucose levels rise and then things go out of control.

So there’s another policy for my cancer rule book. It’s all about cause and effect, responsibility and self discipline.

“Make sure that all communications go well with family and friends. Always answer communications and acknowledge any help or advice that is given. If there is a conflict or misunderstanding do everything in my power to resolve it as quickly as possible by whatever means possible. Keep everybody informed on the latest developments as simply and concisely as I am able.”

I just made that up as I went but I feel pretty good about it.

It’s really important to maintain emotional objectivity and take into account that the people who care about you are also going through some weird shit as well and to that degree I have my own responsibility to make things as easy as possible for them.

Cancer has so many connotations. I have to admit that until 2 weeks ago it was just a “toxic” word that I had little to no real understanding of. Over that same period I have been spending hours each day trying to understand what it is and how it functions. As I’ve said in earlier entries a) the more I learn, the more in control that I feel and b) the data that I study will help me make more responsible decisions when they need to be made.

I am ultimately responsible for curing my own condition and making the decisions about how I go about doing it.