Father’s Day 2012
Finn, my 12 year old son presented me with a very beautiful Father’s Day gift this morning.
It was a book he had created at school that celebrated my relationship with my 32 year old son Paul, who passed away on March 16 this year. A tear was quick to spring to my eyes.
Later in the day Finn told me that all the other kids portrayed their Dad’s as beer swilling, football loving blokes. This made what he had done for me even more special.
It’s been almost 6 months now since that horrible day. I never knew what to expect for my future after I found out that Paul had moved on.
Every day I think about him. Some days the reminders are stronger and on others it might just be a passing thought. I think about the good and the bad. It was all meaningful in it’s own way.
Paul and I were very connected. He represented everything good in my life but he also represented everything bad.
Paul was the guy at the other end of the see-saw.
We both knew that he loved me very much but his way of expressing this love was somewhat flawed.
We both knew that he relied on me to support him even though he did make efforts.
We both knew that life was always going to be a challenge for both of us.
Apart from all of that I miss him every day. I would be happy to take back the “bad times” just to have one more conversation with him.
I really don’t know where he is. Strangely there is a comforting feeling that he is OK. But I cannot honestly say with any certainty that he continues to exist as himself, somewhere. I think he does. But I am not certain.
What a nasty trick that being a member of mankind instantly causes you to subscribe to.
Life is wonderful, amazing and I love it…even with all it’s challenges and hardships.
But, the damn mystery, the uncertainty of mortality, immortality, time, form and infinity is a burden that I know that I need to remain objective to.
It’s hard sometimes.
This is when the distance between myself and the mystery disappears and the fear of the unknown throws a blanket of despair over me.
It’s a feeling that I have been trying to escape all of my life. It’s why I have devoted so much time to philosophical pursuits.Leave a commentEdit “Father’s Day 2012”
