Happy Birthday Paul 2022
Today is my time to reflect on Paul. I wonder what both of our lives would be like right now if he were still here. Any sliding door moment may have opened up a vista of possibilities but I’ll never know. All I can do is speculate.
I cannot recall exactly when we had this discussion but I’ll imagine that it was in Bangkok. I asked him about his goals and aspirations and a bit later said something like “What’s it going to be like when I’m 70 and you’re 43?, I won’t be able to be there for you then as much as I am now.” Well that day has come for me but Paul is no longer part of the equation except in my dreams and thoughts.
It’s not like I am obsessed with thinking about him or how our lives might have panned out but I regularly have dreams, some of which border on being nightmares and from time to time I consciously reflect on some part of our 32 years that we spent together.
Losing a child helps you understand that you have to be able to let go. All that really exists is now and even though I will not refute that we all have our memories I will also stick to my viewpoint that getting lost in the past has no real value and in many ways is like drowning in quicksand.
One of my strongest memories with Paul was our trip to Siem Reap in Cambodia for his birthday in 2010 (I think). We had some great times and some not so great but overall that was one of those memorable occasions in my life.
The one thing that I can say with certainty was that there was always some sort of stress and/or challenge and it usually centred around the effects that Type 1 Diabetes had on his body, brain and mind. Now that I know more about bodies, insulin, metabolism, the brain and overall health I can understand a lot more what the impact was on him when his insulin would become so badly regulated and the repercussions of filling his body with carbohydrates and performing a seesaw act by injecting synthetic insulin without any real knowledge of what it was doing to his body and his brain that then impacted on his reaction to life, to me, to his family and friends, to himself and his own future.
I can’t even begin to imagine the turmoil that he must have gone through. Even speculating what his future might have held for him. After my experience with cancer I realise the level of self discipline and knowledge that is needed to keep the body under control and make it as well as is possible. I also understand the mindset that this sort of crisis needs, a mindset that not everyone can pull off.
Unfortunately for both of us and for our whole family I didn’t know what I know now. In actual fact either did most endocrinologists and certainly not any of the ones that we saw. It was all about exchanges, a very simplistic methodology of balancing the carbs that are ingested with the insulin that is injected. The science of Type 1 Diabetes and the overall subject of insulin is so much more understood now. The research has jumped in leaps and bounds. The metrics measuring equipment has come so far with continuous glucose monitors, ketone reading meters and heaps of other innovations. The understanding of neurotransmitters and the overall subject of insulin and how it can both save and destroy a body.
Looking back now I can honestly say that our backs were up against a wall. We were like a sports team that had no coach and no strategy or an army that had no plan of attack or any contingency plan in case something went wrong.
The world has changed. The age of information is here. There is so much data now available that I could have used and learnt from yet I just read an article in a newspaper yesterday about a 26 year old Type 1 diabetic who died after forgetting to take his insulin and going into acute acidosis.
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Type 1 Diabetes is a fucker of a disease. A disease that not many people understand and a disease that rips lives and families apart. It is a Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde disease that can change a person’s personality on a small coin, at the drop of a hat. It is frightening, complex and all encompassing. It slowly and silently breaks down the bodies natural defences and wreaks havoc on the organs. The sort of stuff that you can’t necessarily see and the odds stack up against those who suffer from it and those who care for the sufferers.
That’s enough of that. I’m just digging a hole for myself now. It is suffice to say that our family had an acute lack of knowledge which resulted in a lowering of responsibility all around and ultimately ended in a complete lack of control.
We can look back and say that we tried and try we did but the odds were stacked against us.
I empathise with any family who has been visited upon by Type 1 Diabetes. Yes, there is a lot more information available now but there is also the wildcard factor that if all the ducks aren’t in place bad shit will happen.
Paul drew the short straw. Whether it was genetic or whether it was factors that turned his own immune system on itself we’ll never know. It was more than probable that it was a mixture of both of these factors.
RIP Paul. I hope that my little fantasy about you being reIncarnated as a young person in Japan is a reality but I will never know for sure and may never cross your path again.
Life is an individual journey that each of us has to create for themselves. Yes, we do have the support of others but it all gets back to the simple fact that as individuals it is what we make of our own journey and our response to the stimulus and people around us that dictates our individual happiness.
Happy Birthday Paul
Happy Birthday wherever you may be. Thank you for the pleasurable moments that we spent together and let’s forgive each other for the times when things went off the rails.
