As I Wander By On My Eternal Journey Part 6872 – Aggregates
I just noticed that I still tense up my body, hold on tight. I need to stay aware of this so I can allow myself to enjoy relaxing and letting go.
We have been watching a Japanese show on TV called Shogun, I first read the book which was written by James Clavell back in the early 80s. What I have observed is my reaction to seppuku, ritual suicide that Samurais used when they had created or caused dishonour for their lord. I personally consider that I could never do this, to knowingly take my own life for a so called greater cause or purpose.
Maybe I have done this in some earlier incarnation, but it wasn’t really me, maybe I have indelible impressions of others doing it ….. which leads me to the concept of the 5 aggregates in Buddhism which in my understanding are body, perceptions, mental images/memories, will and consciousness. This gives me a broader palette to work with when I ponder mortality and eternity. I am a combination of these aggregates. When I put my attention on each of them it is quite easy to see how that are all seperate parts of a whole.
My body is so obvious, it changes, it needs maintenance, grooming, care, I can feel it … look at it. My body also needs hard work to put the necessary stress on it in order to keep it in condition, something that I wish I had done more of when I was younger. Having said that I have had periods during my life when I was thoughtful of my body, thank goodness. The end result is acceptable but it could have been better if I had known and invested more time and effort throughout my life.
My perceptions are still with me, functional but starting to deteriorate. My sight is fine although I need to wear glasses when reading and writing, my hearing is good enough but I am sure it has deteriorated over the decades due to loud music and earphones, my smell seems to be working OK but I don’t always put my awareness on it and often take it for granted, my sense of touch is acceptable although my nervous system has been damaged by years of abuse. It really is remarkable when you put your attention on the senses, those magical “things” that allow you to communicate with the physical universe.
The mental images which I have stored away of different periods of my life are truly magical and remarkable. They serve to remind me of “who I am” or maybe more accurately who I was. They are images of cause and effect, images of my reactions to different stimuli throughout my current lifetime. It never ceases to amaze me that such a magical storehouse of images exist. I can close my eyes and watch them like a movie, drifting from year to year, decade to decade, person to person, experience to experience, belief to belief. I have never been the same person, I am constantly in flux. This leads me to wonder what it is that I am worried about losing when I ponder death. I exist in present time and always have. Even time is an illusion based on the changes that I perceive in my body, my senses, my memories. Having said that, my memories serve a purpose and as long as I do not get stuck in bad habits or fixed viewpoints they are an integral part of who I am.
Then of course there is my will, my ability to make a decision, create a goal and go for it. That which allows me to forge a path as opposed to being like a leaf blowing in the wind with no aims or goals. This allows me purpose and makes life seem worthwhile. My will is also magical, it isn’t me although it is created by me. There is first an impulse, then a decision and then action. Often the decision is made but the action doesn’t follow through. Something to ponder. What power or purpose gives some of us the strength to follow through on their decisions no matter what obstacles lay in their path, no matter how much pain and loss they might have to endure to achieve their goal?
Then of course there is the spark of light that seems to live in my head. This seems to be me and in some ways I can see that it is but when all of the above is taken into account there is still a great mystery that seems unanswered. Maybe there is no answer and that is what I should be looking at. Maybe I am on a quest to return to some state in which I once existed. Maybe it still exists but I can’t allow myself to see it because I do not want to forego the comforts and apparent security of my physical existence.
I still have a way to go on my road to understanding the nature of existence although I feel that I am inching closer.
Maybe the answer is that I do not need to understand, maybe I just need to accept.
