Unraveling the Roots of My Discontent with Formal Learning
Have you ever had a dream where you find yourself back in school, but with the same insecurities and negative emotions that plagued you in the past? It can be disorienting and confusing, leaving a lasting impression even after waking up. Learning is undeniably crucial for personal development, as it equips us with knowledge and helps us acquire new skills. However, the journey towards knowledge can be fraught with disappointments, occasional humiliation, and failure. These dreams serve as lingering reminders of the impact these experiences had on us, much like the faint scent of perfume that remains when the substance itself is long gone.
A Love-Hate Relationship with Formal Education : I find myself having an inconsistent attitude towards formal education. While I genuinely love learning and thoroughly enjoy acquiring new skills, I often find that mastering the basics is sufficient to propel me forward and achieve results. This approach has both its merits and drawbacks. Unfortunately, I struggle with being tested or examined. Is this aversion rooted in a fear of failure or perhaps mere vanity? It remains an open question, but it is a genuine challenge for me.
I am secretly happy with my somewhat flawed logic although it has cost me during my life. On the other hand my clumsy method of learning has served me quite well and given me enough understanding of the basics of history, geography, art, philosophy, general knowledge, politics, religion, health, cooking, design, musical knowledge and skill to have a decent conversation with just about anybody on most subjects and to be relatively capable in many areas of life.
Underlying everything is that I simply want to get results without necessarily getting into all of the finer or technical details of any given subject. If I can make something work and get some sort of desirable result then that’s enough. I also suppose that I don’t want to be potentially humiliated or made to feel unnecessarily vulnerable or stupid.
The Comfort of Imperfect Logic : Despite its flaws, I secretly appreciate my somewhat flawed logic, although it has come at a cost in my life. On the other hand, my unrefined method of learning has served me well, providing me with enough foundational knowledge in various subjects such as history, geography, art, philosophy, general knowledge, politics, religion, health, cooking, design, and music. This broad understanding enables me to engage in meaningful conversations with people from diverse backgrounds and be relatively competent in various aspects of life.
Results-Oriented Approach : At the core of my learning philosophy is a strong desire to achieve results without delving into the intricate technicalities of any given subject. If I can make something work and attain desirable outcomes, that’s usually enough for me. Additionally, I prefer to avoid situations that might potentially humiliate me or make me feel unnecessarily vulnerable or inadequate.
The Turning Point : When reflecting on when this pattern of aversion to formal learning first emerged, I invariably go back to early 1963, a whopping 60 years ago, when I was just 11 years old. It was during my final months at Toorak Central School before my family relocated to the outskirts of town. At the time, I was in Form 1. Our art teacher, Miss Cooper, was an intriguing figure who exuded an air of sophistication. Rumours circulated that she was involved with a charismatic one-armed teacher who could have been cast in a James Bond movie if not for his missing limb. Unbeknownst to me, I had a deep passion for drawing and calligraphy, harbouring a naive desire to become a “commercial artist.” Miss Cooper submitted paintings from all her students to the Herald Sun Art competition of 1963. To my surprise, my painting earned second place in the Victorian under 12 category. While the significance of this achievement may have been lost on others, it held great importance for me. Yet, any joy and pride I felt were shattered when Miss Cooper, with spiteful and bitter words I can no longer recall precisely, expressed her disbelief in the judges’ decision. Her comments pierced my fragile heart and left me with a lingering sense of self-doubt that persists even after all these years.
The Social Consequences of Skipping a Grade : In the 1950s, the Victorian Education Department had a peculiar practice of randomly allowing selected students to skip an entire year. I was one of these anomalies. Starting school onA my fifth birthday and skipping Grade 1, I found myself entering Grade 2 as a six-year-old. Being significantly younger than my classmates throughout my school years had a profound social impact. From that point onward, I felt the need to prove myself quietly, even though I wasn’t fully aware of it at the time.
Conclusion :
This early experience marked the beginning of my disconnection from formal education. I entered high school, nearly two years younger than my peers, and chose to remain as invisible as possible. As a student, I became anonymous, and this may have contributed to my aversion towards group learning, including online courses. While the true reason behind my discomfort with these forms of education remains uncertain, what I do know is that it is a significant aspect of my life.
However, none of this means that I do not enjoy learning. On the contrary, I find great pleasure in exploring various topics that pique my interest. I relish the excitement of discovering new information and how it intertwines with my existing knowledge, expanding my understanding of the world. When faced with a cancer diagnosis two and a half years ago, I harnessed my ability to dive deep into learning, empowering myself to take control of my condition and take decisive action. As a result, I can proudly say that I am cancer-free today.
While my approach may be flawed, I have found that I am adept enough in many areas to navigate through life successfully. I embrace the journey of acquiring knowledge and skills, often sidestepping the intricate details to focus on achieving tangible results. Perhaps it is my desire to shield myself from potential humiliation or unnecessary vulnerability that influences this approach.
In the end, my aversion to formal education is entangled with my past experiences, from the cutting words of an art teacher to the social challenges of skipping a grade. Nevertheless, my love for learning remains undiminished. I am content with my unique path of self-guided exploration, embracing the joy of stumbling upon new knowledge and skill sets. It is through this individualistic pursuit that I continue to grow, evolve, and engage with the world around me.
